Alan tried to keep his promise to share in Eden’s parenting, but lack of time was a never-ending problem. His residency required him to sleep at the hospital every fourth night and weekend. In the practice partnership he entered that July, he had only one other physician to share calls with. Gordon Keller made concessions to the needs of the new father, but in the long run Alan was expected to do his share. Soon his every week consisted of five long days and half of Saturday. On top of that, hospital rounds and emergency call every other Sunday. Time for medical literature had to be found elsewhere. In the competition between fatigue and family, his bodily needs prevailed most of the time.

Thus responsibility for the child fell more and more to Karen. At first she did not resent that. After all, in the first years of a child’s life the mother was the more important parent, and for a girl she always would be. So said her mother and other women she knew, at least the older ones. Besides, Alan would become more available as he settled into his practice. Gordon would recruit a third partner, who would then be Alan’s junior. By the time Eden was ready to learn about boys and girls, Alan would be there to help take the mystery out of that discovery.

With the help of such rationalizations she faced the uncertainty of when she would return to law practice. How her mindset had changed since she became pregnant! First she let herself be talked out of an abortion; then she settled for Frank’s promise; now she was a full-time mother with no clear plan for the work she craved. It was time for a talk with Alan.

She chose a weekend in which he did not have Sunday call. It was a mild January day and as they sat down to breakfast the sun was shining out of a cloudless sky into their kitchen window. “Let’s walk in the park,” she began in a cheerful tone. “It looks like a great day.”

“Good idea,” he replied. “Edie’ll love it. Make sure you bundle her up well.”

“Of course.” She would have liked to tell her Sunday husband that taking care of Eden seven days a week qualified her for choosing proper dress, but there was no need for words. His hand stopped for a moment in midair as he picked up his cap. He took a deep breath.

They walked briskly and without conversation until they reached the park. As they descended the steep hill to the creek, Karen was mentally rehearsing her opening statement.

“You seem preoccupied,” Alan said.

“There’s something I want to talk about.”

“I bet I know what,” he answered. “Going back to work. Am I in the right ballpark?”

“Am I that obvious?”

“Not at all. As a matter of fact, you’ve been awfully good about not saying anything all this time. You must have missed the office. I should have asked you before now.”

She put her arm through his. “Yes.” He wondered: Meaning Yes, she had missed the office? Or Yes, he should have asked? But she was continuing. “Edie’s a year old. She’s practically ready to walk. I think that’s as good a milestone as any.”

He nodded vigorously. “It’ll be good for both of you. Get her started socializing. She’s a happy child, she’ll adjust. You should pay some attention to yourself too.”

Karen felt patronized but also relieved that he had not resisted. On further reflection, she was touched by his self-reproach for not asking. Perhaps she had been unkind in her thoughts.

“Janine started taking Jeffy to daycare when he was six months old. The woman has two kids of her own and takes in four or five more. Janine thinks she’s very competent.”

“That’s a good recommendation.”

“Anyway,” Karen went on, “I thought I’d go in to see Frank. If he’s good to his word, maybe in a month or so I can start part time. Who knows? Things could work out after all.”

“Sounds great.”

He said it without hesitation. Yet, unexpectedly, he felt as if he didn’t quite mean it. Why not? Surely he believed his own logic! Didn’t he share the wisdom that people are happiest when they balance their obligations and their needs? That self-sacrifice has its limits? Of course. Wasn’t Karen’s contentment paramount? Most certainly. Even if it meant being away from home, growing in her profession, earning her colleagues’ respect? Absolutely. She might even become a partner, go on to teach law, be appointed a judge. Her achievements could not help but enhance Alan’s status, as her husband. Wonderful!

And he? No one expected him to be a househusband just because his wife was not a housewife. He had a career of his own. He enjoyed his work, unglamorous as it was, putting patient care ahead of research, human contact ahead of fame. Didn’t he? He was a competent and respected doctor. Wasn’t he? And he could become prominent, even a leader, in the local medical community. Couldn’t he? And his income, already enough to make hers superfluous, would get larger still. Two high-powered professionals together, it was quite exciting! He was glad he had encouraged Karen, and he banished his anxiety. Tried to, anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later Eden took her first steps. Janine read Karen’s mind immediately.

“Wonderful! Congratulations! So, when’re you coming back?”

Karen laughed and said she’d think about it. No sooner was she off the phone than she called Frank’s office direct. The appointment was made for the next day.

The passage in Eden’s life had its effect on Alan too. Once more fired up with paternal pride, he forgot the uneasy thoughts that had followed his recent conversation with Karen. Next day he breezed into the reception area of Keller and Avery and announced the good news.

“We’re all bipeds now. Can you believe it? Edie’s getting more human all the time.”

“Well, her mother’s human, so she had a fifty-fifty chance,” Gordon quipped.

“Her mother’s more excited than the heroine of the tale. She’s been waiting for this.”

“I’d think she’d be worried about all the extra trouble a toddler can get into.”

“Ah, but there’s a special significance. She’d put off working till Edie walked. Now the ban is lifted, and so are her spirits. At this very moment she may be meeting with her boss.”

“Will she get her job back?”

“Frank promised. It’ll only be part time, and she still has to arrange for daycare. But I’m glad for her. It’s not easy being isolated from your colleagues and your work all that time.”

“It’s hard being a professional and a mother,” Gordon said. “You always feel you’re shortchanging one role or the other. And you’re probably shortchanging both.”

“Isn’t that true for fathers too? I haven’t exactly pulled my weight here, and you’ve made all kinds of concessions. The irony is that all year, while you’ve been filling in for me here, Karen’s filled in for me at home. So, yes, I’ve shortchanged both.”

“Being a physician makes being a parent even harder,” Gordon replied gently. “For that matter, being a physician and anything else is hard. But this is the choice we’ve made. I never felt that I was an adequate parent either. Maybe I’ll pay dearly for that one day. At least, a partnership gives us some time off. Imagine being in solo practice, where your workweek is a hundred sixty-eight hours. But when your patient calls to say he can’t breathe, just as you’re reading your daughter a story, you know where you’re needed more, don’t you?”

Gilda, the receptionist, stuck her head inside the door.

“Party’s over, gents,” she announced in a non-negotiable tone. “Either get out there and take care of your patients or invite them in. There are six waiting and more on the way.”

Alan found Gilda’s brand of informality hard to take. Even harder was her habit of using the same tone in the patients’ presence. Gordon was totally unperturbed. Thirty years of faithful service, combined with a concern for his patients that they quickly sensed, had earned her the right to run the office her way. So while Alan gritted his teeth, Gordon smiled and started for the door. Alan would have to get used to Gilda, not the other way round.

“Oh, one thing,” Gordon stopped and turned back to Alan. “It occurs to me, . . . ”

“What?”

“Never mind. Let’s go to work. Patients are waiting.”

Gordon went out. As Alan reached for his white coat, Gilda stepped up behind him.

“Congratulations,” she said, a faint smile on her face. Alan could not hide his surprise but he accepted her good wishes with grace. “What he was going to say,” she went on, “was that he needs you around here and hopes you won’t have to take too much time off now.”

“Why in God’s name doesn’t he say so?”

“Too nice. You know how he is. You heard him.”