{"id":336,"date":"2016-09-10T14:07:43","date_gmt":"2016-09-10T18:07:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.herbheineman.com\/?page_id=336"},"modified":"2024-07-26T09:48:59","modified_gmt":"2024-07-26T13:48:59","slug":"chapter-33","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/edensgarden\/chapter-33\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 33: Outreach"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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PART III<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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For two weeks Josh found escape in his father\u2019s laboratory. But escape is all it was. He was a novice among Ph.D.s. Beyond a point, performing simple tasks and observing processes he didn\u2019t understand served more as distraction than as learning experience. The obsession he had tried to outrun soon gained on him. Meeting Calvin McCrae had made things worse.<\/p>

At home, his reticence was palpable. How different from his former self, and how different from Debbie now! She, almost literally crawling into her mother\u2019s lap, wept out her sorrow. He, though no less close to his parents, seemed condemned to finding his way out of the darkness alone. Esther and Max watched with sadness but were wise enough not to interfere.<\/p>

No one was surprised when he announced he was going back to Ithaca. He had decided the night before. Because Max had a lab staff meeting, Josh drove home alone. There he sat in the garage, eyes closed, calling on his hand to transmit once more the feel of Eden\u2019s arm. He saw the den, the kitchen, the sukkah, the streets. Eden was everywhere, smiling at him, walking with him hand in hand, talking and listening, validating his innermost thoughts. He saw the woods, the darkness riven by the parting of the clouds, and he felt Eden guiding his hand to that special place. Reminders lay in ambush round every corner. He had to get away. It didn\u2019t occur to him that more poignant associations awaited him at the house on the lake.<\/p>

No word passed between him and Calvin during his remaining time in Philadelphia.<\/p>

The Ellsworths received him with quiet sympathy, and right away he wished he hadn\u2019t come. There was the telephone, through which he\u2019d received the devastating news five weeks before. Upstairs was his room, in which he\u2019d slept during that magical weekend, and in which he\u2019d received Eden. As he entered, he became lightheaded and barely made it to the bed. For a while he lay on his back, staring emptily at the ceiling. Then, closing his eyes, he turned on his side and reached across the bed. There was nothing there but the edge of the quilt. He pulled it toward him, hugged it, and let the tears that wouldn\u2019t flow at home gush forth.<\/p>

At the Ellsworths\u2019 gentle urging, he told them what he knew of Eden\u2019s last illness. He described the memorial service, referring to his own part in it as \u201csaying a few words.\u201d Of his meeting with Calvin he said nothing. Next day he resumed work on his project.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Weeks went by and Calvin went about his work. A dull perfectionism and rigidity had replaced the enthusiasm he had brought to his calling on the first of July. He passed his free evenings and weekends in the library or before the television. Father Conley told him to be patient; Josh Rabin might have to go through many weeks of indecision. Finally Calvin could stand the silence no longer. A month after their meeting on Kelly Drive, he called the Rabins.<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m afraid Josh isn\u2019t home. He\u2019s in Ithaca, and I expect he\u2019ll stay into the fall term.\u201d<\/p>

There was a silence. Esther suppressed an urge to say something encouraging to Calvin, who, she believed, needed help as much as Josh. Calvin asked, \u201cWould it be possible to get a telephone number for him? I hate to ask this of you, but I\u2019m very anxious to reach him.\u201d<\/p>

Esther almost gave it to him, before realizing she didn\u2019t know if Josh wanted to be called.<\/p>

\u201cPerhaps it would be better if I told him you\u2019d called, and let him get back to you.\u201d<\/p>

From her caution, Calvin had to infer that she knew how their meeting had ended.<\/p>

Weeks passed, his hope for a return call dying bit by bit until it was extinguished. Still Father Conley advised patience. Calvin waited another month, then played his last remaining card. There was nothing to lose. He might be turned away, but at least he would have tried.<\/p>

\u201cOne moment, Doctor McCrae, please.\u201d<\/p>

Soon the receptionist came back on the line. \u201cI am sorry, Doctor Avery cannot come to the phone.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIs there a better time to call?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOne moment, please.\u201d<\/p>

This moment was perceptibly shorter. \u201cHe said he\u2019ll call you, doctor.\u201d<\/p>

For the rest of the day, Calvin was satisfied that Doctor Avery couldn\u2019t find time to return his call \u2015 a reasonable possibility in a busy practitioner\u2019s workday. By the end of the next day he gave up that fond illusion. So he was surprised when the call came a week later.<\/p>

\u201cThis is Doctor Avery. You called a couple of days ago.\u201d No apologies. No courtesies.<\/p>

\u201cThank you for calling back. I was wondering, would there be any chance of my speaking with you in person? At your convenience?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDoes this have something to do with my daughter?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI really would be most grateful for\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s out of the question.\u201d Alan\u2019s voice was hard.<\/p>

\u201cWell, I do appreciate your calling back, and thank you.\u201d<\/p>

His words fell on a dead receiver. Calvin considered trying Mrs. Avery. Perhaps she\u2019d be more receptive. But if she was not, she\u2019d be sure to tell her husband he\u2019d called. . . .<\/p>

He didn\u2019t know that a lawsuit had already been filed.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

It was Saturday night before Thanksgiving. Josh would go home for the holiday weekend.<\/p>

He had a dream. A hockey game was under way, one team in white, the other in black. Two players, one from each team, were chasing the puck when the white-clad player lost his balance and fell. The black player captured the puck and advanced on the white goal. Right away another white player checked him into the boards. The white player, in turn, was attacked by another black, who proceeded to pummel him. In no time there were five fistfights, each pitting a black player against a white. The referees stood and watched.<\/p>

Josh\u2019s eyes wandered to the white end of the rink and saw the puck lying inches from the goal.\u00a0 As he looked at it, horrified that no one cared about the scoring threat, it transformed itself into a girl. With infinite grace she skated to the battle scene, where she separated the couples, one by one, with a touch of her hand. The players backed away and regarded their opponents with bewilderment. Then, grinning sheepishly as if belatedly seeing the obvious, each black player approached his white counterpart and bowed from the waist. The organist played Weber\u2019s \u201cInvitation to the Dance,\u201d and the five couples gyrated serenely around the ice.<\/p>

He couldn\u2019t make out the girl\u2019s features, but he was sure she looked straight at him, smiling, as she skated toward the white goal. There, devoid of substance, she glided through the goaltender into the back of the net, where she disappeared.<\/p>

Josh woke up with a feeling he\u2019d forgotten existed. It could only be compared to that of a patient, long ill with a debilitating fever, who wakes up one morning to find his temperature normal and his strength restored. He threw back the covers and jumped out of bed. His vision was clear, his breath easy, his muscles powerful. Thankful that it was Sunday and he had the day to himself, he dressed and walked down to the lake. He turned toward the park where, an eon ago, he and Eden had walked and danced. After his experience on entering the Ellsworth house in August, he had avoided this place for fear of the memories it held. Now he breathed the fresh November air with gusto.<\/p>

Why did he feel so good? He knew his mood had to be related to his dream, but he didn\u2019t understand how. In his introductory psychology course there\u2019d been a discussion of dreams, their symbolism and their relation to the unconscious mind. He immediately identified the girl as Eden. She\u2019d appeared on ice skates and she\u2019d smiled at him. Those were clues enough. But he\u2019d dreamed of her often since her death, only to wake to the reality that her existence was but<\/em> a dream. His mood on those occasions had been more consonant with the reality than the dream. Last night\u2019s dream, for that matter, had been unusually explicit on the reality of her death. How else to explain her ghostlike disappearance? Yet he felt altogether different.<\/p>

He racked his brain. Unable to enjoy the mood fully without understanding it, he was tortured by the idea that he was missing something important. At that moment he heard the noise of scuffling in the underbrush. Two squirrels were chasing each other in circles. One scampered up a tree, followed by the other. Up they spiraled and down again. Were they playing, fighting, or acting out a courting ritual? Maybe it didn\u2019t matter. How different were playing and fighting anyway? Kittens chase balls of string and pounce on them. It looks like play but once adult they do the same when hunting. He returned to the dream. How closely dancing had followed on fighting, as if inseparable like two movements of one symphony! Fighting, playing, loving \u2015 wasn\u2019t the couple dance a euphemism for lovemaking? \u2015 all of them forms of engagement invested with emotion. Perhaps that was why one led so readily to the other.<\/p>

It was all very interesting, but still his reaction was disproportionate. A pleasant dream puts one in a good mood, but what he\u2019d felt was nothing less than therapeutic. As his conscious mind was thus engaged, the unconscious took charge of his next action, one that he was far from ready to take deliberately. Returning to the dormitory, with no more hesitation than if he were calling home to say hello, he dialed Cresheim Valley Hospital.<\/p>

\u201cHe\u2019s off this weekend, according to the schedule.\u00a0 No, wait a minute, I think he switched with Doctor Albo.\u201d A pause. \u201cYes, he\u2019s here. Hold on, please.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDoctor McCrae here,\u201d came the voice he recognized.<\/p>

\u201cThis is Josh Rabin. I\u2019m calling from Ithaca, but I\u2019ll be in town for the holiday. I was wondering if you\u2019d like to get together again.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d love to. I\u2019m on call till noon Saturday. Then I\u2019m free.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSaturday\u2019s fine. Maybe we can meet in the same place, by the statues. Two o\u2019clock?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ll be there, rain or shine.\u201d<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

When Calvin finally reached Father Conley by phone, his voice gave him away.<\/p>

\u201cWhy, hello, son. Is my imagination out of control, or do I hear music?\u201d<\/p>

Calvin laughed. \u201cYou see right through me even over the telephone. Josh Rabin called, all the way from Ithaca. Said he\u2019d like to get together over Thanksgiving.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat a wonderful occasion for a meeting. God\u2019s ways aren\u2019t mysterious at all. I hope I can prevail on you to give thanks. This is a real gift. You agreed to meet, of course?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ll give thanks, and I\u2019ll pray for guidance. God knows I need it. Of course I agreed. And I want to thank you too, Father. Without your support I\u2019d have given up long ago.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIf you had more faith, you wouldn\u2019t be so dependent on me.\u201d<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t know what made me do it,\u201d Josh said to his parents. \u201cOne day I was going round in circles; the next I went to the telephone as if it were the most natural thing.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat happened in between?\u201d asked his father.<\/p>

\u201cNothing, except for a strange dream. When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was how different I felt. Then I tried to interpret the dream, but I couldn\u2019t fit it together.\u201d<\/p>

He described the dream. Debbie immediately said, \u201cThat was Edie, of course.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat\u2019s what I thought too. But so what? How does that explain anything?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMaybe she was telling you to call Doctor McCrae.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat? By breaking up fights on the ice?\u201d<\/p>

Esther broke in. \u201cWe\u2019ll never know. But I\u2019m glad you came to that decision. And I think that\u2019s what Edie would have wanted you to do. So maybe the dream was a message.\u201d<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

The sun shone out of a cloudless sky on their second rendezvous. With no hesitation they headed for the same stone bench they had sat on three months ago. The ease of their greeting belied the length of that interval and the uncertainty that they would ever speak again. It was as if, all the while denying it even to themselves, they had known this meeting would happen.<\/p>

\u201cDid you think all along that I would call you?\u201d Josh asked.<\/p>

\u201cI wish I could say yes, but that would be a lie. I don\u2019t have the kind of faith that defies reason. But Father Conley saw it coming, because he kept on telling me to be patient.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cFather Conley must be quite a man. Maybe someday I\u2019ll get a chance to meet him.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d love for you to, but could I ask one question? How did you come to this decision? Did you talk with your minister, like I did? I bet Ms. Meld is very encouraging.\u201d<\/p>

Josh laughed. \u201cMrs. Meld isn\u2019t my minister. Nor the Averys\u2019. They don\u2019t go to church. They made a special arrangement for the memorial service. I\u2019m Jewish, and I guess my minister is Rabbi Stern, but we don\u2019t go much either. No, my consolation and counsel come from my parents, and my sister. I must be the luckiest guy in the world to have a family like that. After you called me the first time and left that message, I didn\u2019t know what to do, so I asked Mom. She looked at me and asked, \u2018What would Edie have you do?\u2019 That did it.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat a wonderful thing to say! It\u2019s easy to see where your generosity comes from.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBut I wasn\u2019t ready to do anything except listen. I didn\u2019t want to get involved with whatever you were thinking about. I had too much bearing down on me; it was too soon.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI was selfish, I know that now. I was too taken with my own needs to think about yours. There\u2019s so much I need to learn.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cTime has passed, and I\u2019ve come to accept what can\u2019t be changed,\u201d Josh said. \u201cBut I still haven\u2019t answered your question. To tell the truth, I can\u2019t. All those months I\u2019d been asking myself, should I call? And finding no answer. Then, when I did, it wasn\u2019t a decision. All the thinking had nothing to do with it. It was as if I were being guided by a different force. I had a strange dream that night, and when I woke I felt changed.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI think,\u201d Calvin said softly, \u201cFather Conley would say God had spoken to you.\u201d<\/p>

First Eden, now God. \u201cWho knows?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cEvery day that went by after we met,\u201d Calvin said, \u201cI became more convinced your rejection was final, because I didn\u2019t hear from you. I tried to call you, and your mother said you\u2019d gone back upstate. She said she\u2019d let you know\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cShe did tell me. It bothered me, because it seemed I should make some kind of response and I didn\u2019t know what. So I let it slide. Anyway, we can talk now.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThe one thing I\u2019m sure of is that I want to keep communication open with you. If I\u2019m ever going to get through to the Averys, it\u2019s got to be through you. I don\u2019t see any other way.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGet through? To do what?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWe\u2019re all suffering \u2015 each in our own way. If only there were a way to come together, to support each other, how that would ease the misery for us all!\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWe\u2019re not without support, you know.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cStrictly speaking, I\u2019m not either. But it\u2019s not enough for any of us. I deserve the Averys\u2019 anger, and yours, but surely anger gets in the way of healing. You knew that when you said, at the service, \u2018let us not be angry.\u2019 It\u2019s my duty, to them, to you, and to myself, to take the first steps toward healing. I need a chance to do<\/em> something meaningful. Only, what can<\/em> you do to take away the pain of such a loss? How can you give meaning to it, so there isn\u2019t just this gaping hole?\u201d<\/p>

Josh turned his head in Calvin\u2019s direction and, sensing the movement, Calvin faced him. For the first time since they had started talking, their eyes met.<\/p>

\u201cYou really are serious about this, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ve never been more serious about anything in my life. Can you help me? Will you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat can I do that Father Conley can\u2019t? Have you tried to speak with the Averys?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI called Doctor Avery, but he cut me off. I can\u2019t say I was surprised.\u201d<\/p>

They sat in silence for a full minute, separately absorbed in contemplation of the water.<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t have any ideas,\u201d Josh said. \u201cBut I believe you. Maybe we can work together. You talked about giving meaning to Eden\u2019s death. I remember her for her life, but even in death she\u2019s left me with something priceless. Is it possible to create something of benefit for others too? She would have liked that.\u201d His eyes glazed over and his voice broke. \u201cShe felt as if she were embracing the world. I heard her say it.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow I wish I had known her,\u201d Calvin said. \u201cWhat can we do? What can we do?\u201d<\/p>

Josh regained his composure. \u201cLet\u2019s both think about it. I\u2019m going back to Ithaca tomorrow, but I\u2019ll be home for the Christmas break. We can talk some more then.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI can\u2019t thank you enough. You\u2019ve opened a door to me. I promise you won\u2019t regret it.\u201d<\/p>

Josh produced a piece of paper and wrote on it. \u201cHere\u2019s my number in Ithaca.\u201d<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Josh had not described his dream to Calvin. In the weeks that followed, however, it came back to him repeatedly. Like a faithful dog trying to show its master where a child lay injured, the dream beckoned Josh. \u201cFollow me, I know where you\u2019ll find what you\u2019re looking for.\u201d<\/p>

Its meaning was not revealed in a flash. Rather, the scene in which the players backed away from fighting and came back to dance replayed itself over and over, each time more vividly. One day, fully awake, he conceived a new rule for\u00a0 hockey that required<\/em> any pair of players who were fighting to switch to dancing at the blow of the whistle or be ejected from the game.<\/p>

Daydream! But it wouldn\u2019t leave him alone. The dog\u2019s tail was wagging. \u201cThis way!\u201d<\/p>

Where? What did hockey have to do with anything? Maybe Calvin could help. He was older, more educated, more experienced.<\/p>

Unfortunately, Calvin\u2019s attention had been diverted.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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<< Chapter 32<\/a><\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Chapter 34 >><\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

PART III For two weeks Josh found escape in his father\u2019s laboratory. But escape is all it was. He was a novice among Ph.D.s. Beyond a point, performing simple tasks and observing processes he didn\u2019t understand served more as distraction than as learning experience. The obsession he had tried to outrun soon gained on him. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":21,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-336","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/336","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=336"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/336\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":863,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/336\/revisions\/863"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=336"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}