{"id":328,"date":"2016-09-10T13:59:32","date_gmt":"2016-09-10T17:59:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.herbheineman.com\/?page_id=328"},"modified":"2024-07-26T09:43:35","modified_gmt":"2024-07-26T13:43:35","slug":"chapter-31","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/edensgarden\/chapter-31\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 31: Under the Eyes of the Statues"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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PART III<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\u201cThere was a call for you,\u201d Esther said. \u201cDoctor McCrae at Cresheim Valley Hospital.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMcCrae.\u201d Josh frowned. \u201cIs he the intern?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat would he want from me?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHe sounded hesitant, as if he were afraid to ask.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIf he has anything to say, why not say it to the Averys? Why me of all people?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cFor all we know, he might have tried and been turned away. Or he might be even more scared of them than of you. That would make sense.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat should I do?\u201d<\/p>

She knew what she would do, but it was not she he\u2019d called. There was but one answer. \u201cWhat would Edie have you do?\u201d<\/p>

Josh knew instantly. He reached Calvin at the nurses\u2019 station.<\/p>

\u201cMay I call you back right away?\u201d Calvin answered. A minute later the phone rang. \u201cI\u2019m at a pay phone. I really appreciate your returning my call. I was afraid you might not.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat is it you wanted to tell me?\u201d Josh asked, keeping his voice as even as he could.<\/p>

Calvin hesitated. \u201cI know this is an imposition, but I don\u2019t know any other way. Would you be willing to talk with me? In person, I mean. It would be a great favor.\u201d<\/p>

He couldn\u2019t answer without consulting Eden.<\/p>

\u201cMr. Rabin?\u201d Calvin thought they might have been disconnected.<\/p>

\u201cWe can meet.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow about Thursday night in the statue gardens on Kelly Drive, near Boathouse Row?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat time? And how do I recognize you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSeven-thirty OK? I drive a green Nova. And I\u2019ll recognize you, from the service.\u201d<\/p>

Josh hung up. So McCrae had been there. Evidently a doctor\u2019s duties include attendance at the funeral. That would explain it. Yes, Doctor Rosenberg had been at Uncle Milt\u2019s.<\/p>

A light rain fell on Thursday. Josh called to confirm their rendezvous.<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t mind getting wet,\u201d Calvin said. \u201cBut it\u2019s your choice. You\u2019re doing me the favor.\u201d Josh agreed. There\u2019d be fewer people, which might be good.<\/p>

By evening only a drizzle remained, but the parking area was muddy and the grass wet. Josh recognized the car, next to which stood a man about his height in a plastic raincoat, his\u00a0 wet hair flat against his head. They nodded to each other and began to walk.<\/p>

They came to the first of the three statue gardens. Josh read the inscriptions: \u201cLaborer, He Wrought Miracles. Scientist, He Weighed the Stars.\u201d Stars. He felt a tightness in his abdomen. \u201cLet\u2019s go on,\u201d he said. In the second garden were renditions of ploughman, miner, immigrant, and slave. He sat on a stone bench facing the river. Right away the wetness seeped through the seat of his pants, but he had expected it. Calvin sat down on his right and took a deep breath.<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m very grateful to you for seeing me.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI probably saw you at the service too,\u201d Josh replied, \u201cbut I didn\u2019t know who you were. Were you sitting near Truck Mack?\u00a0 The big guy who spoke right after me?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes. Father Conley was between me and Mr. Mack. He and I came together.\u201d<\/p>

Another unexpected presence.<\/p>

\u201cPerhaps you\u2019re wondering what he was doing there,\u201d Calvin said. \u201cI\u2019ll explain it later.\u201d<\/p>

Josh waited. Looking upriver he saw the Girard Avenue bridge and, partly hidden behind it, the railroad bridge. A bus was traveling eastward. Calvin\u2019s voice cut short his observations.<\/p>

\u201cGod forgive me if I hurt you with what I\u2019m about to do. I don\u2019t know where else to turn. You\u2019re grieving over Eden Avery\u2019s death. I can\u2019t remotely imagine the depth of your pain, and yet I must ask you to help me.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBefore you go any farther, if this has anything to do with a lawsuit, I can\u2019t. A lot of people have been offering opinions about malpractice. That\u2019s up to her parents. Besides, I don\u2019t want my memories of Eden to be stained by a lawsuit.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThey needn\u2019t be. I may or may not be drawn into a suit. It\u2019s out of my control. What I\u2019m up against is much more threatening, and no judge or jury has any power over it. I\u2019m talking about myself. If any of the medical staff or their lawyers knew what I\u2019m doing here, I\u2019d be in even bigger trouble. But that\u2019s a risk I have to take, because if I can\u2019t make peace with myself I might as well give up medicine. God only knows what the lawyers\u2019ll come up with, but I can\u2019t imagine defending myself. What happened was my fault, pure and simple.\u201d<\/p>

They were sitting next to each other, periodically wiping their faces. Both looked across the river as they talked. Under the cloud cover, night was falling prematurely but, undeterred, eight oarsmen gracefully propelled their skiff toward the boathouses. \u201cNeither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night . . . ,\u201d the motto of the United States Post Office came back to Josh. He had memorized it when visiting his grandparents in New York.<\/p>

\u201cWhat is it you want me to do?\u201d he asked.<\/p>

\u201cI told Father Conley, my priest, that I wanted to do penance in a significant and painful way, hoping if I punished myself enough I could feel I\u2019d paid my debt. Like resigning my internship, because I had so much pride invested in being a doctor. Father Conley wouldn\u2019t hear of it. He said that was punishing my patients. So what was I supposed to do? He said the only way I\u2019d ever find peace would be to make amends. I asked him, how could I ever do that? Nothing would bring Eden back. He said my job was to support her parents, that support is what makes grief bearable. The more I think about that, the harder it gets. I saw at the service how much support Eden\u2019s parents have, how you and they lean on each other. So I come to the bitter truth that I\u2019m the one in need. I, who have not lost a loved one, need help.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSurely you don\u2019t expect them, or me, to see you that way. So OK, you feel bad about what you did, but are we really supposed to believe your need is greater than ours? We could be furious with you or brush you aside as bad luck. But you\u2019re looking to us for sympathy?\u201d<\/em><\/p>

\u201cNo, your sympathy I don\u2019t deserve. And neither would it help; I\u2019d hate myself that much more. If I can\u2019t give something, help somehow, I have nothing to hope for. That\u2019s my need.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat could you possibly give? If the Averys want money, they\u2019ll go after it through a lawsuit. I have no idea what they\u2019re planning. I\u2019ve already said I want nothing to do with recriminations. As for your need, I haven\u2019t a clue. Right now the Averys and my family support each other as best we can. What can you, a stranger, offer us?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m not a stranger, Mr. Rabin. I\u2019m the person who brought this on you. I should be the object of your loathing, contempt, or demand for retribution. That I could accept. It would represent a measure of justice. What I couldn\u2019t bear would be for you to think of me as irrelevant from here on.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAs far as I personally am concerned, you are. I don\u2019t speak for anyone else, but I can\u2019t imagine anything you can do to make me feel any better. Eden\u2019s gone. I\u2019ll have to get used to it. Your interfering would only make it harder.\u201d<\/p>

Calvin did not answer and Josh had said all he was willing to. For a minute they sat side by side, still looking across the water. Then Calvin slowly got up.<\/p>

\u201cDespite what you said, Mr. Rabin, I\u2019m still grateful to you for being willing to meet me. Even that much helped. You\u2019ve been more than generous. Good night and God bless you.\u201d<\/p>

Josh did not move or reply. By the time he turned his head, Calvin was no longer visible. Josh walked around the statues to the parking area. The green Nova was gone.<\/p>

He approached his car and discovered, to his surprise, that his hands were shaking. During the conversation on the bench, he had felt composed, holding McCrae, who was clearly agitated, at arm\u2019s length. Now Josh too was agitated. Why? Was it having to deal all over again with Eden\u2019s death, just when he was learning to live with it? Was it McCrae\u2019s presumptuousness in calling on him<\/em> for help? The hypocrisy, or sarcasm, of that parting \u201cGod bless you\u201d? Is this what Eden would have wanted him to expose himself to?<\/p>

He withdrew his hand from the door handle and walked along the riverbank. Twenty minutes later he felt calmer, but the questions still dogged him, along with a new one: What if McCrae meant what he said, without hypocrisy or sarcasm? If he really needed help and didn\u2019t know where else to turn? Well, that was his problem; Josh had enough of his own.<\/p>

His parents were out for the evening. He walked straight to the kitchen and sat down with a glass of milk. Debbie came in to find him staring at the wall. She sat down opposite him.<\/p>

\u201cHow did it go?\u201d she asked.<\/p>

His eyes came into focus. \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Debbie waited respectfully.<\/p>

He continued. \u201cI can\u2019t figure it out. He said a lot of stuff about punishing himself, and his priest not letting him. He wants my<\/em> help. What that would be, I don\u2019t have the foggiest idea.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHe was that vague?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWe didn\u2019t get to specifics. I don\u2019t think I\u2019m ready to talk much about it, Deb. I\u2019m not being coy, I just found the whole thing pretty upsetting. I need time to sort things out.\u201d<\/p>

She wished she\u2019d been part of the conversation with Doctor McCrae. She felt excluded, and realized that she had lost claim to being Eden\u2019s best friend. But she was also sensitive to Josh\u2019s bereavement and rejected her jealousy as unseemly. \u201cIf there\u2019s anything I can do, . . .\u201d<\/p>

Josh gave up trying to make sense of the evening. He went to bed.<\/p>

Next morning he told the story of his encounter.<\/p>

\u201cThis Doctor McCrae sounds like a pretty unusual fellow,\u201d said Max.<\/p>

\u201cWhy?\u201d Esther said. \u201cDon\u2019t you think it\u2019s normal for a doctor to have pangs of conscience if he feels responsible for someone\u2019s death?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOh, I agree with that all right. What strikes me is the intensity. Doctors are different from the rest of us. Death is part of their everyday experience. Maybe it\u2019s him being new at the job; he hasn\u2019t become hardened yet. But still, he\u2019ll turn out to be his lawyer\u2019s nightmare if he doesn\u2019t learn to clam up. I\u2019m surprised he hasn\u2019t already been told to be quiet\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHe has,\u201d Josh said, \u201cand he knows what he\u2019s risking by talking out.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOK,\u201d Max continued. \u201cThat alone takes courage, or recklessness \u2015 same thing, I guess. But to approach you directly. . .\u00a0 By the way, how did he know about you and Edie?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHe was at the service.\u201d<\/p>

Max\u2019s eyes widened. \u201cI\u2019d have guessed he was Catholic.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo what?\u201d Esther asked.<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019re right, that\u2019s not the point. But going to the service does fit the picture. Either his conscience drove him to it, or he went hoping to find someone he could talk to. Obviously, he heard you speak there, how hard you took Edie\u2019s death.\u201d He paused briefly. \u201cBut that makes it all the more remarkable for him to come to you. The easy thing would have been to stay away. That\u2019s what his superiors \u2015 not to mention the lawyers \u2015 would have advised.\u201d<\/p>

Debbie looked up from her cereal bowl. \u201cMaybe him being a Catholic does have something to do with it. I mean, coming to you and confessing like that.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cExcept they usually confess to their priest, through a screen, don\u2019t they?\u201d Esther said.<\/p>

\u201cSome of the kids at school go to confession every other week. Then they have to do something by way of a penalty\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cPenance,\u201d Josh corrected her.<\/p>

\u201cI know, but it\u2019s like a penalty. They say special prayers, perform a service, or deny themselves some pleasure, to make up for whatever they did wrong. I think it\u2019s sort of neat.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat\u2019s neat about it?\u201d Josh asked irritably.<\/p>

\u201cWell, they make it sound like it helps calm their conscience.\u201d<\/p>

Josh looked at her with mock amazement, as though she had come up with the answer to a child\u2019s riddle. Undeterred, she continued: \u201cI\u2019m serious. If we do something wrong, either we get caught and have to pay up, or we get away with it. But it only seems that way. I don\u2019t think people ever really get away with anything. At least not if they have a conscience. It bothers them, unless they can make some sort of amends, or at least apologize.\u201d<\/p>

Josh realized she was right, and to make fun of her would only make him look silly.<\/p>

Max turned to him. \u201cWhat did you say to him?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNothing encouraging. It could be that he was trying to feel me out about a lawsuit. I have no idea what the Averys are planning. He said he was guilty and there was no excuse.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMy goodness,\u201d Esther said. \u201cThat really does sound like a confession.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDid he sound as if he meant it?\u201d Max asked. \u201cOr do you think he was putting on an act?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m used to dealing with honest people. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019d recognize someone putting on an act.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow did you leave it?\u201d Max went on.<\/p>

\u201cHe thanked me for meeting with him, said \u2018God bless you,\u2019 and left.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo plans to meet again?\u201d Esther asked.<\/p>

\u201cNeither of us said anything about meeting again.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo he had the last word, didn\u2019t he?\u201d Max said.<\/p>

\u201cI suppose so,\u201d Josh answered, \u201c\u2015 if it matters.\u201d<\/p>

Max slowly tilted his head from side to side, weighing options. \u201cMaybe it does. In the sense that it\u2019s an invitation to reply any time without waiting for him to speak again.\u201d<\/p>

Josh looked at his father. \u201cIs there anything for me to say?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat question\u2019s for you. I\u2019m just saying you can if you like. What do you think, Esther?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI agree. And I\u2019d also say you should take time to think it over. He has no choice but to wait. But so much depends on your appraisal. Was he sincere? What is it he wants from you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHe could have been sincere,\u201d Max said, \u201cbut still just wanting to unload.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou mean, that the process of unloading alone serves his need?\u201d Esther asked. \u201cJust apologizing, like Debbie said? That there isn\u2019t anything else?\u201d<\/p>

Max wiped his hands on a napkin and rose from the table. \u201cIf he had anything in mind other than unloading, he himself doesn\u2019t know what, or he\u2019d have said so.\u201d<\/p>

Esther nodded. \u201cAnd if he doesn\u2019t know what he wants, he\u2019s looking to you not only to help him but even to come up with a way.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat\u2019s a hell of a thing to ask of me, don\u2019t you think?\u201d Josh asked.<\/p>

\u201cYes, it is,\u201d his mother said. \u201cAnd it\u2019s either monumental chutzpah or a great tribute, depending on how you look at it.\u201d She laid her hand on Josh\u2019s, got up, and said, \u201cJust take your time.\u201d<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Next morning Calvin called Father Conley. \u201cWe met last night.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow did it go?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNot well. He listened, he was polite, but he couldn\u2019t hide his hostility. He thought I was trying to feel him out about a lawsuit, and he said he\u2019d have nothing to do with it. I told him I wouldn\u2019t defend myself in a lawsuit, but he didn\u2019t seem to care. Fact is, Father, I don\u2019t know what to ask him for, and he doesn\u2019t seem in any mood to help me.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cUnderstandable. How did the meeting end?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI thanked him for being willing to meet with me.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGood, good. It\u2019s in his hands now, and in God\u2019s. You kept communication open. Good.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI wish I could feel that good, Father. I said \u2018God bless you,\u2019\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGood! Excellent!\u201d Father Conley said with even greater enthusiasm.<\/p>

\u201cNo, Father. I can\u2019t even say I meant it. So I lied.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat do you mean, can\u2019t say you meant it?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI was disappointed with how it went, and I may have been angry too. So how could I be sincere asking God\u2019s blessing on him? I\u2019m no saint.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNone of us are. Just strive to be a good human being. I can\u2019t look into your mind; only God Himself can do that. But my hunch is that anger is the part you didn\u2019t mean, not God\u2019s blessing. Did either of you mention another meeting?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo. He just stayed sitting there as I left.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGive him time. And don\u2019t lose faith.\u201d<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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<< Chapter 30<\/a><\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Chapter 32 >><\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

PART III \u201cThere was a call for you,\u201d Esther said. \u201cDoctor McCrae at Cresheim Valley Hospital.\u201d \u201cMcCrae.\u201d Josh frowned. \u201cIs he the intern?\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d \u201cWhat would he want from me?\u201d \u201cHe sounded hesitant, as if he were afraid to ask.\u201d \u201cIf he has anything to say, why not say it to the Averys? Why me […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":21,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-328","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/328","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=328"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/328\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":853,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/328\/revisions\/853"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=328"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}