{"id":324,"date":"2016-09-10T13:51:31","date_gmt":"2016-09-10T17:51:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.herbheineman.com\/?page_id=324"},"modified":"2024-07-26T09:33:55","modified_gmt":"2024-07-26T13:33:55","slug":"chapter-29","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/edensgarden\/chapter-29\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 29: An Implacable Conscience"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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PART III<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Until the evening of July 12, 1988, Calvin McCrae, M.D., had considered himself a lucky man. Certification as a pediatrician was but a few years\u2019 training and a few dozen sleepless nights away. That was what he had wanted ever since that experience with Tim Haig.<\/p>

Calvin\u2019s parents, their friends and acquaintances, and most of all Father Joseph Conley, twenty years their parish priest, were proud of their collective favorite son. Calvin was determined to live up to their expectations, because he was grateful for their support along the way \u2015 support that had made the difference between staying the course and dropping out.<\/p>

On the way up he had tripped \u2015 badly \u2015 more than once. It all began on a spring day when he was thirteen. Life was perfect. He was in the top five percent of his class at Bishop McNamara Junior High and enjoyed the highest batting average on the school\u2019s baseball team. He was tall, handsome, and popular. Classmates sought him out for help with their mathematics and science problems; he gave them as much of his time as they needed. No one resented that he knew all the answers, because he shared unstintingly. Among his admiring clients was Tim Haig, a less than industrious student who was also catcher on the team.<\/p>

What would go down as the defining event of Calvin\u2019s youth, and Tim\u2019s too, occurred during baseball practice. Calvin swung at a fastball and missed. Trying to make light of his embarrassment, he continued the arc of his swing while doing a pirouette on his left foot. The bat caught Tim on the side of the head as he came out of his crouch. Tim went down in a heap. He was rushed unconscious to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with a subdural hemorrhage. The blood was drained through two holes drilled into Tim\u2019s skull. Within hours he regained consciousness. A week later he demonstrated to the neurosurgeon that his brain was as good as ever. He was kept in the hospital five more days for observation and released.<\/p>

Calvin had watched with horror as Tim was lifted onto the stretcher. When the ambulance attendants refused to let him ride with them, he followed on his own. At the hospital he tried in vain to learn Tim\u2019s condition. The truth was that at that time neither the doctor in the emergency room nor the nurse on the floor knew the extent of Tim\u2019s injury. Calvin misunderstood their evasive answers as a reproach, and he took it to heart. Going home that evening, with Tim in a coma and no one willing to say whether he would live or die, Calvin shut himself in his room. \u201cI\u2019ll never lift a bat again,\u201d he tried to bargain with God, \u201cif only you make Tim OK.\u201d He lay in bed, his night lit up with visions of Tim\u2019s viewing at the funeral, and cried himself to sleep.<\/p>

God was not given a chance to make a deal with Calvin. That delicate task was assumed by self-appointed bargaining agents. On one side of the negotiating table sat Sister Marie Hogan, principal of the school, who felt that Calvin should sit out the baseball season, write a thousand times \u201cMy carelessness would have killed a person but for the grace of God,\u201d and have an ineradicable comment entered in his record; and Calvin\u2019s father, Eugene McCrae, who argued that his son should be taught a lesson by being banned permanently from school sports. The needs of the victim didn\u2019t figure in their deliberations; punishment was what counted.<\/p>

Pleading for the perpetrator were Bill Grady, the baseball coach, who didn\u2019t care what punishment Calvin drew so long as it didn\u2019t include a ban on sports; and Father Conley, who argued for a meaningful service obligation in lieu of proscriptions and assignments that were purely punitive. Inwardly he agreed with Bill Grady: Why punish the team, and the school, jeopardizing a promising season, for the misadventure of one member? He kept that argument to himself, though. Sister Marie wasn\u2019t the kind of nun to get worked up over baseball.<\/p>

Calvin was benched for a month and had to write Sister Marie\u2019s statement five hundred times. His service obligation consisted of daily visits of at least an hour to his teammate in the hospital, after which he had to report for such chores as Mr. or Mrs. Haig required of him. As Tim began to show signs of recovery, Calvin thanked God in his heart and did his assignment with increasing fervor. In the end, the Haigs had to insist he had done his penance, or he might have indentured himself to them for life. As for Tim, he and Calvin became better friends than ever. Tim, too, found the experience transforming, for his schoolwork took a marked turn for the better. \u201cAll I needed,\u201d he explained to the unbelieving, \u201cwas a couple of holes in the head.\u201d<\/p>

One person particularly moved by Calvin\u2019s devotion was Constance Bader, the nurse on the evening shift. Calvin developed a crush on this woman, almost twice his age, who fussed over him as much as she did over her patient. Although her feelings for him were maternal at most, frustrating his vision of a more romantic relationship, the experience left him with a fondness directed not only to her but to all things hospital-associated.<\/p>

Three years later he stumbled again. Though uninterested in drugs in general, he was not above sharing a joint with friends occasionally. Once, carelessly assembled in the corner of the schoolyard, the huddled group was apprehended by a teacher. The usual penalty for this infraction was a three-day suspension and ineligibility for aAvery mic excellence awards.<\/p>

Calvin stoically faced his parents. He knew he had erred and he was ready for whatever additional punishment awaited him. As for his school record, even though the stakes were higher, it did not occur to him to seek exception. If his chances for a first-class college were diminished, that was the price for his carelessness; he should have known better.<\/p>

Father Conley, who heard about the affair through Calvin\u2019s mother, had a more creative idea. Westwood High was not like McNamara Junior High. His collar gave him no particular standing at a school without religious affiliation, not even if the principal\u2019s name was Tadeusz Kazmierski. But it was worth a try. Speaking on behalf of a promising student who had veered ever so slightly from the righteous path, Father Conley proposed community service in return for a clean record. Mr. Kazmierski was aware of Calvin\u2019s superior aAvery mic performance and was not happy applying the usual formula. He agreed to consider the petition.<\/p>

Father Conley, well aware of Calvin\u2019s past, had already chosen the community service. For the remainder of his high-school days, Calvin would work as an unpaid aide five hours a week at a hospital of his choice. Calvin insisted that he should take his punishment along with the others, that he didn\u2019t deserve special consideration. Father Conley argued that Calvin could help more people working at the hospital than having a scarlet letter on his high school record. This convinced Calvin. Nurse Bader welcomed him back. \u201cI hope one day I\u2019ll see you here when you\u2019re not working off a sentence,\u201d she said, unable to keep a serious face.<\/p>

The \u201csentence\u201d proved to be no sentence at all. Buoyed by memories and the promise of Nurse Bader\u2019s smile, he went to work gladly. Father Conley looked on with satisfaction.<\/p>

At graduation from high school, Calvin\u2019s aAvery mic record qualified him for three class prizes. The principal had decided, on due consideration, that the rules regarding drug use had to be followed. Therefore Calvin had to forgo the prizes. But it didn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 His grades and scholastic aptitude test scores were good enough for Temple University. Four years later, the special commendation for his work at the hospital helped secure admission to medical school.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Years later, Father Conley still carried his weight well. On his six-foot-three-inch frame, two hundred fifty pounds could easily pass for muscle. That\u2019s what it had been thirty years earlier, when he was playing tackle at Notre Dame. When his playing days were over, the hypertrophy of his muscles receded, but his appetite did not. His body had no use for the excess food but to turn it into fat, which he kept on this side of embarrassment by a supreme effort of posture. He still presented a formidable figure.<\/p>

However, he would have been offended had anyone suggested he had been called to the priesthood as God\u2019s enforcer because of his intimidating bulk. He didn\u2019t believe in threats. He preferred to reason with his flock, make them see the consequences of their actions, and, if logic fell short of that objective, bridge the gap with love of neighbor rather than fear of hell.<\/p>

On a Friday in mid-July he received a telephone call. \u201cFather Conley? This is Cal McCrae.\u201d Silence. \u201cYou know, Marie and Eugene\u2019s son.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNow wait a minute,\u201d answered Father Conley, \u201cyou mean Doctor<\/em> Calvin McCrae?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI guess so.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWell, why don\u2019t you identify yourself properly? And what do you mean by \u2018guess\u2019?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t feel much like a doctor. I need to see you, Father. Is tomorrow afternoon OK?\u201d<\/p>

Father Conley understood. The first month of an internship could be very stressful.<\/p>

\u201cDo your folks know you\u2019re coming?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ll tell Ma I have some charts to catch up on.\u201d Father Conley frowned. If Calvin didn\u2019t want his parents to know, there must be a reason. \u201cOne o\u2019clock then.\u201d<\/p>

With most of his body hidden behind the desk, his size would not have been apparent to a first-time visitor. But there was no missing the florid face, the rimless glasses that seemed a size too small, and the mop of unruly red hair. He noticed the drawn look on Calvin\u2019s face, a far cry from the mixture of embarrassment and pride he had seen at the graduation party a month earlier. Then, Calvin had cheerfully tolerated his parents\u2019 ebullience over the first McCrae to become a doctor, while allowing himself a measure of pride in his own achievement. What was showing now was the antithesis of pride.<\/p>

\u201cWhat\u2019s on your mind, son?\u201d Father Conley asked softly.<\/p>

\u201cFather, it\u2019s been four days. I\u2019ve been walking around like a zombie. I can\u2019t eat, I can\u2019t sleep. I don\u2019t know how I get through the day.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat happened four days ago?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow can I go on after I\u2019ve killed someone?\u201d Father Conley waited patiently. \u201cI killed a patient, Father! I gave a girl a drug she was allergic to. I should have known, only I never asked. Seventeen years old, her whole life to live. How can I call myself a doctor after that? My job\u2019s to help children, not kill them. I even told the mother to leave so that I could do my work. My work! Do you know what my work was? To murder that girl, only get the mother out of the way first.\u201d He looked at Father Conley with fire in his eyes.<\/p>

\u201cFather, I\u2019m not worthy of the title doctor. I\u2019m resigning my internship.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019re doing what, son?\u201d Father Conley asked softly.<\/p>

\u201cResigning. I\u2019m bringing my confession to you this way because I want to look you in the eye and save at least a vestige of self-respect. I want to face my punishment squarely.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou always do. And your punishment is giving up your internship? Anything else?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt was my arrogance that brought me to this. I need to be humiliated. The only way I can do that is stop being a doctor and do something where no one will think I\u2019m anything special.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo you want to go to prison, metaphorically speaking?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIsn\u2019t that what happens to people who\u2019ve committed crimes?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDo you expect to be indicted for murder?\u201d Father Conley asked.<\/p>

\u201cIt would serve me right, but doctors who kill their patients get sued for malpractice, not indicted for murder. I don\u2019t even get sued, because they hold my supervisors responsible.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat did your supervisors say to you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMy immediate supervisor couldn\u2019t be reached, and he got his ass in the sling too. But it was still my fault. The department chair told me I\u2019d learned a hard lesson and not to forget it.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cA wise man, if you ask me. Do you know why I say that?\u201d<\/p>

Calvin shrugged. \u201cI suppose it\u2019s the right thing to say. Doctor Hamilton\u2019s a woman.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDoctor Hamilton must be a shrewd person. She knows what\u2019s happened has happened, and she\u2019s found something to salvage. She\u2019s telling you, you have skills that shouldn\u2019t be wasted, even if you did make a costly mistake. And she\u2019s confident you\u2019ll take this to heart.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDoctor Hamilton has been more than kind to me, kinder than I deserve. It\u2019s not her that I\u2019m afraid of, nor the law. It\u2019s me. I just have to do something to make up for this.\u201d<\/p>

Father Conley studied Calvin\u2019s stricken face. \u201cYes, you do. Or your conscience won\u2019t leave you alone. That\u2019s all for the good. But who benefits from your self-flagellation?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI do. My soul does.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd meanwhile God knows how many patients are denied your services, right?\u201d Father Conley rose from his chair, letting his height tower threateningly over Calvin. His voice rising with each word, he said, \u201cDo you really expect those poor souls to drop their meager coins in the basket to pay for the salvation of your soul?\u201d<\/em> Calvin cringed at the onslaught.<\/p>

\u201cThis is your<\/em> job,\u201d Father Conley thundered, \u201cnot theirs!\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThen what shall I do?\u201d Calvin asked meekly.<\/p>

Father Conley pushed back his chair and walked to the window behind him. For a while he stared out as if gathering inspiration from the summer landscape. He turned back to face Calvin. \u201cSo help me, I don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong with our teaching. The first thing that comes to people\u2019s minds when they hurt someone is to hurt themselves to make up for it. Is that meant to please God? Do you think He revels in your pain? That He\u2019d rather see two people suffer than one? Do you think you\u2019re making up to God for offending Him? Believe me, son, He\u2019s much too self-assured to take offense from the likes of you and me. In His book your self-inflicted pain is an exercise in futility \u2015 and may all the martyrs forgive me for saying that. If you think masochism is therapeutic, go ahead, only don\u2019t expect your patients to pay.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat can I possibly do for Eden Avery ? I can\u2019t bring her back. She\u2019s gone.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo, you can\u2019t. She\u2019s gone. Is that it?\u201d Father Conley was becoming impatient.<\/p>

\u201cYou mean the family?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes, I mean the family. Their daughter\u2019s gone. But their grief isn\u2019t. They\u2019re mourning for their child, and I bet they\u2019re also consumed with anger. Forget how you feel, put yourself in their shoes. What\u2019s life like for them<\/em> right now? How are they going to be healed?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat can I do?\u201d Calvin\u2019s tone was pathetic.<\/p>

Father Conley\u2019s voice softened. He leaned across his desk till his face was almost level with Calvin\u2019s. \u201cLoss occurs in everyone\u2019s life, son. What makes it tolerable is the support of others. Without it, we become numb, we lose our ability to feel. With it, we can recover and be whole again.\u201d He looked into Calvin\u2019s eyes for recognition of his message.<\/p>

\u201cI can\u2019t support them. I killed their daughter. They\u2019d never accept anything from me.\u201d<\/p>

Father Conley nodded slowly, straightened up, and smiled sympathetically. \u201cIt\u2019s not easy. But if you want to do something meaningful, there\u2019s your task. If you succeed, you\u2019ll have helped where you thought no help was possible. And even if you fail while trying in good faith, you\u2019ll have earned forgiveness for whatever sin you\u2019ve committed. Your debt can only be paid by offering something of value, not by withdrawing from your calling.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI am \u2015 we all are \u2015 under instructions not to talk about this to anyone.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOh yes,\u201d Father Conley nodded, \u201cthe lawyers. Well, they\u2019re doing their job.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBut even forgetting about our lawyers, how am I going to get near the parents? They must have instructions from their lawyers too. I know how this stuff goes. The lawyers talk with each other and the parties keep quiet till the lawyers tell them what to say.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBreaking that barrier won\u2019t be easy. But then, nothing meaningful ever is.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow, Father? I don\u2019t have any idea.\u201d<\/p>

Father Conley frowned. \u201cYou say four days? Maybe they haven\u2019t had the funeral yet. If it isn\u2019t strictly private, go. Maybe someone will be there who\u2019s close to them and still willing to speak with you. A little faith can\u2019t hurt. God tends to help those who help themselves.\u201d<\/p>

Calvin nodded, suddenly calm. \u201cI\u2019ll try. May I call you about the funeral?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI want you to. And may God go with you.\u201d<\/p>

Putting his arm around Calvin\u2019s shoulder, Father Conley walked him to the study door. \u201cOne last word. Let your<\/em> parents in on this. They\u2019re going to know sooner or later anyway.\u201d<\/p>

Next morning Calvin went to Mass. After the service he greeted Father Conley. \u201cThere\u2019s a memorial service on the thirty-first. Sunday, two p.m., at a Unitarian Universalist church on Stenton Avenue. It was in yesterday\u2019s paper.\u201d<\/p>

Father Conley smiled. \u201cWould you mind if I came along?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBut Father, a Unitarian Universalist church? And on a Sunday?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cJust remember what I told you. God\u2019s too tough to be offended. Besides, if I have to explain myself, I can always say that I was doing His work. That\u2019s true, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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<< Chapter 28<\/a><\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Chapter 30 >><\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

PART III Until the evening of July 12, 1988, Calvin McCrae, M.D., had considered himself a lucky man. Certification as a pediatrician was but a few years\u2019 training and a few dozen sleepless nights away. That was what he had wanted ever since that experience with Tim Haig. Calvin\u2019s parents, their friends and acquaintances, and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":21,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-324","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/324","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=324"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/324\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":843,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/324\/revisions\/843"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=324"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}