{"id":302,"date":"2016-09-10T13:25:24","date_gmt":"2016-09-10T17:25:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.herbheineman.com\/?page_id=302"},"modified":"2024-07-26T09:22:45","modified_gmt":"2024-07-26T13:22:45","slug":"chapter-25","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/edensgarden\/chapter-25\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 25: The Void"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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PART III: 1988<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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A sleeping pill helps you sleep; it doesn\u2019t guarantee you\u2019ll wake up refreshed. Rick had given Karen two pills of a sedative bearing the inspired name Halcion. A half-hour after the first she was still awake; the second rewarded her with four hours of sleep and four hours of hangover. But if she saw the morning through a fog, the ruins of last night\u2019s horror glared through that fog like a thousand-watt bulb. Reflexively she closed her eyes against the cruel light, but it shone that much brighter. She noted that Alan\u2019s half of the bed was still made. As she washed her hands, she caught the image of a face in the bathroom mirror. She tried to push it from her, and a hand rose up in defense. She turned from it and went downstairs. Through the open study door she saw Alan sitting in the armchair, still dressed in the green scrub suit he had worn in the operating room.\u00a0 His face was ashen from lack of sleep.<\/p>

\u201cHave you been here all night?\u201d she asked, leaning against the doorjamb.<\/p>

\u201cI didn\u2019t think I was going to get any sleep, so why keep you awake?\u201d<\/p>

Alan had refused a sedative. Reality would be waiting, with icy patience, for him to come out of his stupor, and he\u2019d be no better prepared for it. On his way to the study he revisited his summons from the operating room. How had Rick put it? Alan, come to the second floor right away. Something\u2019s happened. <\/em>How had Rick expected him to interpret \u201csomething\u201d? Besides, Alan had no patients on the second floor. He had entered the stairwell from the air-conditioned operating floor oblivious to the heat. On the contrary, halfway down he had felt the first chill of a nameless fear. Like a plane descending through the clouds, he was leaving the crystal beauty of the stratosphere for the overcast reality of the world in which he lived and breathed. And in that world it was revealed to him, through a medium of communication accessible only to parents, that catastrophe awaited him, and that his daughter was its victim.<\/p>

A growing chasm separated the events of the succeeding minutes from his ability to recollect. Sitting in the dark, he thought of the dreams that had impelled him to this very sanctuary. With a wry smile, he recalled that dreams are expressions of the unconscious mind, and the conscious mind does not readily allow them entry. That is why dreams can be hard to recall. So it was with last night\u2019s terrible moment of truth; already his mind was burying it.<\/p>

But he did remember clearly the petite woman in house-staff uniform who had stood before them. Looking at them out of compassionate eyes, she had said, \u201cI\u2019m Cathy Cross, resident. I wish this could wait, but it can\u2019t. Your daughter\u2019s a young person\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOur daughter is dead,\u201d Karen had sobbed bitterly.<\/p>

\u201cYes,\u201d Doctor Cross\u2019s gentle tone conveyed her respect for their feelings, \u201cyet even now she has something priceless to give, perhaps to someone else her age, a gift of life.\u201d<\/p>

Alan envied Cathy her sensitivity. She was asking permission to harvest such organs and tissues as could be transplanted to living patients. In his emotional semiconsciousness, he had answered as if he were play-acting a reversal of the accustomed roles. An almost-forgotten conversation returned. If I died, would you let them cut me up?<\/em> Eden had asked innocently. He had told her it was a horrible question. Now he had to answer it. Choosing the words he would have liked to put into the mouths of all bereaved families, he had said, \u201cAs long as there\u2019s anyone alive who can benefit, I know that\u2019s what our daughter would have wanted.\u201d<\/p>

Karen had consented with a nod, and Doctor Cross had accepted gratefully.<\/p>

Hours later the effect of his endorphins, those miraculous narcotics the brain produces for just this sort of emergency, had worn off. The ease with which he had agreed to the dissection of his daughter\u2019s body momentarily horrified him. Still, he knew he had done the right thing, and he thanked his instinct for guiding him. But the disposition of those memories, far from giving him the peace he craved, only cleared the stage for the most monstrous revelation of all. Never again would Eden set foot in this house or in his life.<\/p>

His thoughts were interrupted by Karen\u2019s appearance at the door. \u201cThere\u2019s coffee in the kitchen.\u201d They sat on adjacent sides of the table, neither looking at the other, neither saying a word. The refrigerator shut off, and the silence became even denser. Her cup drained, Karen sat staring in front of her, tears rolling down her cheeks. Alan looked at her helplessly, his eyes dry and burning. What could he offer her, he whose resources were as depleted as hers? He envied her the catharsis of crying. Tears refused to come to his aid, as if to punish him. Only Karen\u2019s bitter observation rescued him from yet another battle with his conscience. \u201cIt didn\u2019t have to happen,\u201d she said, listlessly shaking her head. \u201cThey gave her penicillin.\u201d She poured more coffee and straightened up. \u201cThere are things to take care of. Like Eden\u2019s body.\u201d<\/p>

Eden’s.<\/em>\u00a0What happened to Edie?<\/em><\/p>

The Averys were not church members. And like so many whose lives seemed to stretch to infinity before them, they had left the practical details of death for some other time.<\/p>

\u201cI think cremation is preferable to a burial,\u201d Alan said. \u201cHow do you feel about that?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI agree. We can put off disposing of the ashes till we\u2019ve had time to collect our thoughts. Right now, I don\u2019t know how I could deal with it.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow about a memorial service?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAbsolutely. But I don\u2019t know who\u2019d conduct it. Do you?\u201d<\/p>

Alan sighed. \u201cNot offhand. Let\u2019s both think. Meanwhile, there are people we need to call. We don\u2019t want some of the relatives reading about it in the papers. You go ahead, call yours; then I\u2019ll call mine. After that we have to decide on friends and acquaintances.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWho\u2019s going to tell Josh?\u201d<\/p>

Alan shook his head. \u201cHe\u2019s going to take it hard. I\u2019d just as soon leave it to the Rabins.\u201d<\/p>

Eventually Karen called Esther, who lost no time coming over.<\/p>

\u201cPoor Debbie. She\u2019s going to be heartbroken. She never had another friend like Edie. . . . And Josh. I don\u2019t even dare to think how he\u2019s going to take it. Do you know, Edie meant more to him than anyone in the world? It was so heartwarming to see them together. Love just radiated from them. I don\u2019t know whether they even knew it themselves, but I felt it.\u201d<\/p>

Karen was weeping. \u201cI feel so guilty. I tried to discourage her from getting too attached. It was an insult to him, to you, and to her. How could I do such a thing?\u201d<\/p>

Esther put a comforting hand on her arm. \u201cYou did what a concerned mother does instinctively. There\u2019s not a thing to feel guilty about. It didn\u2019t stop them.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cEsther, will you tell him? I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes. He may want to come home right away. You\u2019ll understand if he does, won\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOf course. And he\u2019s welcome here. I may need his shoulder to cry on.\u201d For the first time since the previous evening she allowed herself a smile.<\/p>

\u201cAnd he yours.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou know, Esther, we\u2019re so totally unprepared, and all of a sudden we have to make decisions. We\u2018re having her body cremated \u2015 at least that\u2019s taken care of. But we also want to have a memorial service, and we have no church connection at all.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBut you want something Christian?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t really matter. We have nothing against Christianity, but we haven\u2019t observed any religion all these years and it seems hypocritical, and humiliating, to go to them now. Still, I want something a bit spiritual. Are there ministers who\u2019ll do a service without talking about coming back to God or anything like that?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThere\u2019s someone in Max\u2019s lab we could talk to. They\u2019re Unitarian Universalists.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat kind of religion is that?\u201d Alan asked. \u201cWhat do they believe in?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMostly human beings, the way I understand it,\u201d Esther said. \u201cThey don\u2019t argue with other religions; their stock-in-trade seems to be tolerance. If you want to believe in God, it\u2019s OK with them, but you\u2019re also accepted if you don\u2019t. They value people above all. They\u2019re more concerned with this world than the hereafter. That\u2019s about what I remember.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cCan you do a single occasion with one of their ministers, or do you have to sign up for their church?\u201d Alan asked. \u201cDo the have<\/em> ministers?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019d have to speak with them. Would you like me to try to get a contact for you?\u201d<\/p>

Alan looked at Karen, who nodded. \u201cYes, please,\u201d she said. \u201cIt can\u2019t hurt to talk. And thanks ever so much. Even if it doesn\u2019t work out, it\u2019s so good of you to help.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHelp? Karen, don\u2019t you realize this is our loss too?\u201d<\/p>

Esther embraced them both and turned to go. \u201cI\u2019d better make my calls from home, but I\u2019ll be back this afternoon. Will you be here?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI can\u2019t think of any place to go. And thanks again for everything.\u201d<\/p>

Alan called the hospital and ordered the body released as soon as the autopsy was done. He then called a funeral director to arrange for the cremation. After that, there seemed to be no urgency about doing anything. For now he was uninterested in the autopsy findings.<\/p>

It was past noon and they realized they had not had a bite to eat. Karen opened a can of soup and made a sandwich for each. They ate in silence.<\/p>

A half hour later Esther called. \u201cMay I come over? I have something for you.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAny time. The door\u2019s open.\u201d<\/p>

Debbie came over with Esther, red-eyed and sobbing. She embraced each of the Averys. It would have been hard to tell who was consoling whom.<\/p>

\u201cWhat\u2019s that you\u2019re carrying?\u201d Karen asked.<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s a casserole. Warm it up for dinner. You shouldn\u2019t have to spend time cooking. In Jewish tradition the bereaved family sits shiva \u2015 that means seven. For seven days the community takes care of their needs so they can mourn without distraction. I\u2019ve called a bunch of friends \u2015 not all Jews, by the way \u2015 and we\u2019ll have at least one thing for you every day. And if anything should go wrong, we want you to come over to our house.\u201d<\/p>

Karen and Alan were overwhelmed. \u201cBut we\u2019re not even Jewish!\u201d he said.<\/p>

Esther was prepared. \u201cDear Alan, what people feel when they lose a loved one goes back long before Judaism was invented. Our tradition simply encodes a behavior to meet a need.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThank you, Esther, thank you,\u201d Karen said, tears again welling in her eyes. \u201cWhat a wonderful thing to have friends like you.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThere\u2019s something else,\u201d Esther went on. \u201cI spoke with Max. He\u2019d like to come over tonight if you\u2019re not too exhausted. He asked about the Unitarian Universalist minister, and I have a telephone number. I didn\u2019t know whether I should have her call you, or whether that would be taking too much out of your hands. So perhaps you\u2019d like to call her.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHer?\u201d Alan asked in mild surprise.<\/p>

\u201cYes. Her name is Sandra Meld.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAlan,\u201d Karen said, \u201cthere\u2019s nothing wrong with a female minister. A woman is just as capable of spiritual leadership as a man. Perhaps Edie would even have preferred it that way.\u201d<\/p>

Alan bowed his head. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, you\u2019re perfectly right. I\u2019ll call her.\u201d<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

The Reverend Sandra Meld was barely five feet tall, moderately overweight, with short, curly gray hair, wearing a summer print dress, yellow jacket, and yellow sandals. A white subcompact was parked at the curb, even though there was room in the driveway.<\/p>

\u201cMrs. Avery ?\u201d she asked as Karen opened the door.<\/p>

Karen noted the soft eyes and the sympathetic lift of the eyebrows. \u201cI\u2019m Karen Avery.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSandra Meld. I received a call from your husband last night\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes, please come in. I\u2019ll get him.\u201d<\/p>

Karen motioned her to the living room. Alan entered and shook Sandra\u2019s hand.<\/p>

\u201cThank you for coming. Is there anything we can get you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cA drink of water perhaps. It\u2019s already hot outside.\u201d<\/p>

Returning with a glass, Karen said, \u201cI feel we\u2019re exploiting you, Mrs. Meld. We\u2019re not members of your church, and out of the blue we\u2019re asking for something we haven\u2019t earned. I mean, if we\u2019d been members all along we\u2019d be entitled to services when we need them.\u201d<\/p>

Sandra looked for a coaster and, finding none, placed her glass on a newspaper, where it promptly formed a wet ring.<\/p>

\u201cMrs. Avery , and Doctor Avery , what you\u2019re going through must be among the cruelest experiences nature visits on us. It was never meant for us to witness the deaths of our children. How I wish I could take away your pain! Our church demands no commitment from you; that would be unspeakable. You don\u2019t need to earn our service; your grief alone entitles you to the best we can give. Please let us help.\u201d<\/p>

Karen was weeping silently, and Alan\u2019s eyes too were moist. Sandra, though on the verge of tears herself, had mastered the control needed to function as helper. Her voice was steady.<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019re very kind, Mrs. Meld,\u201d Alan said. \u201cIt\u2019s a relief to have someone to turn to.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThe place of a church is to help meet people\u2019s spiritual needs. I\u2019d be honored to conduct a memorial service for your daughter.\u201d<\/p>

Karen and Alan sat in silence. They knew nothing about the church, or the faith, that Sandra represented, and they still wondered what obligations they would assume by accepting her offer. As though divining their question, she said, \u201cI want to say again, categorically, that none of this places any obligation on you, other than the customary fees, which are quite modest. If you have questions about our church, I encourage you only to ask, but not make decisions. Those should wait till much later. Now, would you like time to think? I\u2019ll be in the office all afternoon, and I\u2019ll give you my home number too. My husband is used to my calls.\u201d<\/p>

Karen and Alan exchanged questioning looks and then nodded. \u201cWe\u2019d like you to do it.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThen let us set a date and place. Our church holds two hundred, but a smaller group would be quite comfortable. If you prefer another place, that\u2019s no problem. People who aren\u2019t used to churches sometimes do. Take time to think about that. . . . Now, I\u2019d like very much to learn about your daughter, her life, her interests, her friends, whatever you feel\u2019s important. Also, everyone calls me by my first name. It\u2019s another of our habits. People with other backgrounds sometimes have trouble with that at first, so please don\u2019t feel obligated.\u201d<\/p>

They spoke for two hours, at first hesitatingly, then with more ease and using first names. With a smile Karen recalled the time she had caught Eden sitting in the darkness of her room after Josh had walked her home. Sandra asked about Josh too, nodding continuously as the Averys told of the attachment between the two teenagers.<\/p>

The choice of place proved more difficult, because they didn\u2019t know how many would attend. Family \u2015 even from out of town \u2015 and friends seemed nowhere near enough to fill even a small church. Sandra reminded them that there might be a turnout of students from her school. It was settled; the service would be at the church.<\/p>

Announcing her intention to call them after she had gone over some ideas for the service, Sandra got up to leave, but Karen prevailed on her to share lunch with them.<\/p>

\u201cI haven\u2019t done any cooking since Edie died, but we have casserole left from last night. Esther Rabin made it. The Rabins are friends of ours, the children practically grew up together. That\u2019s how Edie met Josh. Do you know about the Jewish custom of shiva?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cKaren,\u201d Alan said. \u201cSandra is a minister. You can bet she knows\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOh, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d Karen said, blushing, \u201cI\u2019m not quite with it. Please forgive me.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNothing to forgive,\u201d Sandra said. \u201cShiva\u2019s a wonderful custom. One of the best examples of a supportive, caring community that I know. And you see, it doesn\u2019t matter that you\u2019re not Jewish. That\u2019s religion at its best, without the exclusionary, judgmental aspects. I hope I\u2019ll get to meet them at the service.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI guarantee you will \u2015 all four.\u201d<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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<< Chapter 24<\/a><\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Chapter 26 >><\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

PART III: 1988 A sleeping pill helps you sleep; it doesn\u2019t guarantee you\u2019ll wake up refreshed. Rick had given Karen two pills of a sedative bearing the inspired name Halcion. A half-hour after the first she was still awake; the second rewarded her with four hours of sleep and four hours of hangover. But if […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":21,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-302","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/302","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/302\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":824,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/302\/revisions\/824"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}