{"id":261,"date":"2016-09-05T12:16:47","date_gmt":"2016-09-05T16:16:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.herbheineman.com\/?page_id=261"},"modified":"2024-07-25T16:57:36","modified_gmt":"2024-07-25T20:57:36","slug":"chapter-21","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/edensgarden\/chapter-21\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 21: Dreams"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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PART II<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Sugar, salt, and pepper welcomed sulfa to that special place on the kitchen table. It would have been hard to eat there day after day without noticing the distinctive brown plastic jar which was now the vehicle of Eden\u2019s preventive care. As for the upheaval that preceded the change, no hint emerged from the daily table talk. The wounds sustained at the session in Rick\u2019s office followed the natural course of untreated wounds: They healed with varying degrees of scarring and left their victims changed, for better or for worse.<\/p>

For Eden the effect was a maturing one. She took responsibility for her daily medication, allowing her father to stay safely away from that treacherous subject. In time she also looked more charitably on his actions. If his remarks on the phone to camp had been offensive \u2015 and she still thought of them that way \u2015 they had also been prophetic. Nor was she without blame for the scene in Rick\u2019s office. It had been her decision to keep quiet about losing the pills.<\/p>

Alan fared less well. As if losing his self-control wasn\u2019t bad enough, he also misread his daughter. Her message was, \u201cI\u2019m dependable\u201d; he read, \u201cI\u2019ll show you I don\u2019t need you.\u201d But he was a prisoner of silence, partly because nothing Eden said or did justified confrontation, partly because the real cause of his paranoia was an internal struggle he could not share.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

He had a dream. He was on trial; the charge was not clear. A young woman was shouting accusations at him. He looked pleadingly around the courtroom but met only silent stares. When the plaintiff\u2019s tirade was over, the judge, a middle-aged woman, pointed her finger at him and said, \u201cI find you guilty. I know the law!\u201d<\/p>

He woke with a start. Without disturbing Karen he stole downstairs and sat in the dark study. What light there was outside gave the overcast sky a purple-black tint. Against its background he counted six small panes in the upper sash of the window and a single large one in the lower. A new discovery \u2015 after how many years in this house? The branches of a tree waved fitfully in the wind. Fall was only weeks off, and with it the colors that had captivated Eden. He wondered whether she and Josh would have a rite of fall to celebrate the anniversary of their friendship. He ran out of distractions and his eyes began to burn. He went back to bed.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

\u201cDo you realize I\u2019ve been with F & D twenty years? Except for maternity leave.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWe\u2019ve also been married twenty years,\u201d answered Alan. \u201cWith no time off.\u201d<\/p>

She smiled. \u201cYou did better than Bruce. They\u2019ve been divorced, what is it, eleven years?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow\u2019s she doing?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cShe doesn\u2019t have a family, so she\u2019s missed out on some interesting experiences. Still trying to find a new husband, though I wonder how hard. She\u2019ll never have children.\u201d<\/p>

Interesting experiences. And what emotion informed the statement about children? Envy or sympathy? She went on, \u201cExcept for lunch once in a while, I hardly ever see her. When she\u2019s not in court, she\u2019s on the road meeting clients, taking depositions, God knows what.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSounds hectic.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd interesting.\u201d Same word, but with no hint of hidden meaning.<\/p>

\u201cDoesn\u2019t she sometimes wish she did have a family?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI imagine she does. But she wouldn\u2019t give up her career, or any part of it, for a child.\u201d<\/p>

He thought he detected a subtle emphasis on the last she<\/em>, but its meaning was ambiguous; maybe Karen was being critical rather than envious. One thing was sure, talking about Bobbie with Karen was hazardous to their domestic peace.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Alan had another dream. Again he was on the witness stand facing an accusing finger. But this finger belonged to a middle-aged woman in a black robe. \u201cGuilty of obstructing a justice!\u201d she said. He stood transfixed, unable to utter a word in self-defense.<\/p>

He tried to connect the dream to reality. Coming barely two weeks after another nocturnal courtroom scene, it was the last straw on his overburdened back. He knew what he had to do.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Sara Walsh, Ph.D., had an office for the practice of psychotherapy on the floor above Keller & Cade, P.C. They consulted with each other often. \u201cYou and I are like parents to our patients,\u201d she had said once. \u201cWe have different roles, but they benefit from our teamwork.\u201d<\/p>

Alan called for an appointment. \u201cThe patient\u2019s name, please?\u201d the receptionist asked.<\/p>

He was sure his hesitation gave him away. \u201cTell her it\u2019s a personal question.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI will, doctor.\u201d He hoped she could be trusted.<\/p>

Sara called back twenty minutes later. \u201cAlan, it\u2019s Sara. Is something wrong?\u201d Sara\u2019s voice conveyed a warmth and concern designed to calm anxiety. He had often wondered if it was the result of training or a personality trait that fitted her for her profession.<\/p>

\u201cNothing serious, but there\u2019s something I\u2019d like to discuss with you.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAre you free at three this afternoon?\u201d Alan was. \u201cDoes Gordon know you\u2019re coming?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo. It\u2019s personal.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOK. Say nothing right now. We\u2019ll talk more about it later.\u201d<\/p>

That afternoon Gordon was at the hospital, so Alan didn\u2019t have to explain.<\/p>

\u201cDoctor Walsh is in her office. You may go right in.\u201d<\/p>

Alan searched the receptionist\u2019s face for signs of forbidden knowledge. But her attention was already back on her crossword puzzle. To his irrational relief \u2015 considering how often he\u2019d been there on other patients\u2019 business \u2015 no one else was in the room. Even the receptionist\u2019s presence, despite her detachment, disturbed him.<\/p>

Sara was in her late forties, her short hair halfway between gray and its original brown. Among her techniques for relaxing her patients was a habit of putting her legs up on nearby pieces of furniture. Alan found her talking on the phone, one leg on the coffee table. With her free hand she motioned him to the sofa. \u201cMonthly meeting,\u201d she said, hanging up. \u201cI\u2019ve just been appointed secretary. I take notes and keep my own mouth shut. Love it.\u201d She closed her appointment book with a decisive snap. \u201cHow can I be of help?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDo you believe in dreams?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cCan\u2019t help believing. I have them.\u201d She waited for the real question.<\/p>

\u201cYou know what I mean. Can you tell anything from them?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cA great deal. I don\u2019t agree with Freud on everything, but he was right about them being the royal road to the unconscious. Have you had some that bother you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI think I can figure a couple of \u2019em out partway, and I don\u2019t much like what they\u2019re telling me. Then there are others, going back a while, that are really obscure.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThen let\u2019s work backwards.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ve had two bad ones in two weeks. I don\u2019t want any more.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI can\u2019t guarantee you anything. Maybe understanding them will help, but that doesn\u2019t mean they won\u2019t recur, especially if there\u2019s a common theme that\u2019s important to you.\u201d<\/p>

Alan recounted the two courtroom dreams. \u201cRemarkably similar, aren\u2019t they?\u201d Sara said.<\/p>

\u201cObviously I\u2019m guilty of something.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cObviously you feel<\/em> guilty about something. That\u2019s all the dreams tell us. Whether you are is a different matter. Do you have any idea who your accusers are?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI didn\u2019t recognize them. The judge in the first dream and whoever was yelling at me in the other were about my age. For all I know, they could have been one and the same. The young one looked more like a teenager.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDo they remind you of anybody you know?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d been thinking more about what they were accusing me of.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThe charges seem pretty vague.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI suppose they\u2019d have to be important people.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cTo have that effect on you, I\u2019d certainly think so. Important to you, that is.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThe only people that important to me are my wife and daughter,\u201d Alan said.<\/p>

\u201cDoes it fit?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI didn\u2019t think I\u2019d been that bad a husband or father.\u201d He laughed nervously.<\/p>

\u201cNobody says you have \u2015 except maybe you yourself. But I need to understand more about your personal and family history. Tell me first about your wife, how you met, what she did before your daughter was born, your lives together.\u201d<\/p>

Alan spoke for about ten minutes, highlighting Karen\u2019s promising career, their decision to have a baby, and her return to work.<\/p>

\u201cShe sounds like a very bright person. Does she still have professional ambitions?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSometimes she seems content to work her hours and come home. Other times, I get the feeling she regrets what she\u2019s passed up. She has this friend, Bobbie Buehl, who joined the firm while Karen was on maternity leave. Bobbie refused to have children. Her marriage broke up, but she\u2019s a full partner and very successful.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat\u2019s one way to put it,\u201d Sara said calmly. \u201cAnother would be that she\u2019s a professional success but her marriage broke up. Which way does Karen put it?\u201d Alan couldn\u2019t remember.<\/p>

\u201cYou say they\u2019re friends? There\u2019s no sense of competition, or displacement? You said Bobbie started during Karen\u2019s leave. That makes Karen technically the senior, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI suppose so, but Bobbie never took a leave. I don\u2019t know how close they are. They sometimes have lunch together, but nothing more.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAn interesting relationship. Did Karen ever have higher ambitions?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBefore Edie, she was a rising star. She\u2019d even talk about being a judge someday.\u201d<\/p>

Sara\u2019s eyebrows rose. \u201cWhat was it the black-robed lawyer said in the dream? \u2018Obstruction of justice\u2019? Or was it \u2018obstruction of a<\/em> justice\u2019? It sounded as if you said a<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes, it was \u2018obstruction of a<\/em> justice.\u2019 I remember that clearly. It seemed strange, but then I thought it was just a dream and the detail wasn\u2019t important.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt could be,\u201d Sara said. \u201cDon\u2019t they call the members of the Supreme Court justices?\u201d<\/p>

Now Alan\u2019s eyes lit up. \u201cDo you think she was talking about obstructing her appointment to the court, instead of the usual meaning of obstruction of justice?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOnly Freud himself would be sure,\u201d Sara answered, \u201cbut you and I can speculate. The fact that your accuser wears a black robe could mean that you see her as a judge, or justice.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo she holds it against me that she\u2019s in a rut,\u201d Alan muttered under his breath.<\/p>

Sara leaned toward him, both legs on the floor. \u201cNow listen to me, Alan. Your assessment of her feelings may or may not be correct, but you can\u2019t use your<\/em> dreams to read her<\/em> mind. Don\u2019t ever forget that. . . .I don\u2019t like telling people what to do, but let\u2019s draw the line here.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOK, but she\u2019s probably said a few things over the years to put that thought in my mind.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMaybe. But let me say it again, it\u2019s your<\/em> mind we\u2019re reading, not hers. Now, the other dream, the one with the teenager, might involve your daughter, so I want to know something about her. Let\u2019s do that next week, Monday.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow about Gordon?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s up to you, but why not be frank? You\u2019re entitled to have concerns just as much as any of your patients. He\u2019ll understand that.\u201d<\/p>

As he passed the receptionist, she smiled and said good-bye. She was working on a different puzzle. Alan assumed that she had not had her ear to the door, but that she knew nonetheless. Without looking her in the eye, he mumbled good-bye and hurried out.<\/p>

His waiting room was full. \u201cAh, here he is,\u201d said Gilda pleasantly. He took her words as a reproach for not being there sooner. Assuming his patients also wondered what he\u2019d been up to, he went through his appointments with unaccustomed speed. It was time to tell Gordon.<\/p>

It then occurred to him that they hadn\u2019t broached the question of telling Karen. Just as well. He didn\u2019t want to tell her \u2015 not yet.<\/p>

He buzzed Gilda: \u201cDid Gordon say when he\u2019d be back from the hospital?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHe is back \u2015 working in his office.\u201d Alan knocked on the door and went in.<\/p>

\u201cI had a talk with Sara,\u201d he said, sitting down. \u201cAbout myself.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWe can all use some help from time to time,\u201d Gordon answered. \u201cYou\u2019ve had more than your share of upsets. Just work out your schedule the best way you can, and let me know. By the way, what did she do with her legs?\u201d<\/p>

Monday he again ran the receptionist\u2019s gauntlet. \u201cAny more dreams?\u201d Sara greeted him.<\/p>

\u201cNo, thank goodness. But you know, I\u2019m intimidated by your receptionist.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBrenda? Why would you be intimidated by her?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s nothing she\u2019s ever said. She just looks at me so knowingly.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cShe knows what kind of practice I have, but she\u2019s more interested in her puzzles.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI guess I\u2019m self-conscious. Funny, I wouldn\u2019t be embarrassed having a receptionist know about my physical problems, but emotional problems are so \u2015 stigmatizing.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSome people never seek help just because of that stigma, which, sadly enough, is real in our society. They can\u2019t help having<\/em> a problem, but they can avoid talking about<\/em> it. You\u2019d be amazed how many people convince themselves there\u2019s nothing wrong just to stay \u2018clean\u2019 in the eyes of society. Like staying out of trouble with the law. You have them in medicine too, I know, but not like we do. I\u2019m convinced that denial is our most rampant epidemic.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat kind of inhibition can have its advantages,\u201d Alan said. \u201cLike co-pay. Discourages people from coming in with nothing wrong.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cPeople don\u2019t come in here with nothing wrong. There\u2019s always a reason.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cProves your thesis, doesn\u2019t it? Just seeing a therapist damns the patient.\u201d<\/p>

Sara threw up her hands. \u201cMaybe if I\u2019d been married to a lawyer for twenty years I could hold my own in this kind of conversation. But I concede. Tell me about your daughter.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI left her schooling pretty much up to Karen. She had the time, and I was working long hours. We sometimes had words about that \u2015 that I should be more involved. I\u2019m sure she was right. I wasn\u2019t the most attentive father. But I never felt distanced from Edie. We became closer after she got sick, because she was interested in her illness and I enjoyed teaching her.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat kind of illness?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cShe had rheumatic fever just before she turned thirteen. It was very serious. I\u2019ll never forget rushing her to the hospital in the night, the oxygen, the diuretics, the steroids. Weeks of intensive care. We came close to losing her.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat must have been a horrendous time, for you and Karen as well as Edie.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cEdie never knew how close she came to dying, and the moment she was well she wanted to forget she\u2019d been sick. How\u2019s that for denial! But Karen and I knew it could just as easily have gone the other way. And I had to deal with her getting it in the first place.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cRheumatic fever is preventable. All you have to do is treat the strep throat. I didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAre you your own family doctor?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo. Edie has a pediatrician, Rick Harmon. But I\u2019m sort of gatekeeper. A lot of minor stuff doesn\u2019t need a pediatrician. I made a bad decision.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBut you know how to treat strep throat. Adults get it too. What happened here?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI didn\u2019t make the diagnosis.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ve heard it\u2019s difficult. My doctor won\u2019t give me penicillin unless she\u2019s sure.\u201d<\/p>

Alan leaned back, closed his eyes, and let his head fall forward on his chest. Sara waited patiently. \u201cI think I\u2019d better tell you the details,\u201d he said. \u201cYou\u2019re right about not always giving penicillin.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow do doctors decide?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI wasn\u2019t convinced by the looks of her throat, so I did a culture. I insisted on proof \u2015 real scientific, you know. And what a mess I made of it.\u201d He told her what happened in the lab.<\/p>

\u201cPeople make mistakes,\u201d Sara said. \u201cI\u2019ve made my share. You thought you were doing the right thing, and you got burned. What was Karen\u2019s input? Did she leave Edie\u2019s treatment to you? You know, mothers sometimes don\u2019t trust their doctor-husbands as much as another doctor. Did she ask a lot of questions?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cShe wanted me to give penicillin. She worried about scarlet fever \u2018and other horrible things\u2019 \u2015 those were her words. After I promised to get a culture, she said no more, but I don\u2019t think she was ever convinced. As things turned out, she was right, wasn\u2019t she?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIs that what she said?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo, she never mentioned it again. Now Edie has to take sulfa every day. And all my conservatism\u2019s gone up in smoke. An ounce of cure is worth a pound of prevention.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ll remember that one.\u201d Sara laughed. \u201cDo they always use sulfa for prevention now?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat\u2019s another story. When you hear it, you won\u2019t be reassuring me about mistakes.\u201d<\/p>

Sara looked at him attentively and waited. \u201cPenicillin is our first choice for prophylaxis,\u201d he explained. \u201cEdie took it almost four years without a problem. Then the shit hit the fan.\u201d He told about the events beginning in camp and culminating in Eden\u2019s anaphylaxis.<\/p>

Sara leaned forward, feet on the floor, eyes wide. \u201cSo she did become allergic! Your caution about treating her wasn\u2019t misplaced after all. Didn\u2019t you feel vindicated?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhen your daughter almost dies, it\u2019s small satisfaction to say \u2018I told you so.\u2019 \u201d<\/p>

\u201cI didn\u2019t mean it that way. Only that you didn\u2019t need to flagellate yourself.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI yelled at her in Rick\u2019s office, accused her of bringing it on herself. We had this meeting a couple of days after her reaction. That was when I heard for the first time \u2015 \u201d he looked at Sara, waiting for this to sink in, \u201c\u2015 that she had lost the pills. I was furious.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWith her?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIf she hadn\u2019t gone without all those weeks, she wouldn\u2019t have had such a reaction. She should have known better.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou mean, she should have known she was risking a reaction?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNot that. We\u2019d never talked about allergy. But she should have known she was risking a strep throat; that had been drilled into her for years.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes, I\u2019d imagine she knows that pretty well. She couldn\u2019t have forgotten that awful illness entirely. So why would she take such a chance?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt must be her age. She was a counselor at camp, with an image to protect. You should have heard her go on about the kids not respecting her if the nurse was chasing her with her pills.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhy would that have been necessary? A counselor has responsibility for a bunkful of campers. She\u2019s obviously trustworthy. Why would she have to be reminded about her pills?\u201d<\/p>

Alan shook his head. \u201cThis was too important. I wasn\u2019t crazy about the idea to begin with. But she talked me into it, so I insisted on some safeguard. And Karen agreed with me.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou talked it over with Karen before sending the pills?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo. But after that scene in Rick\u2019s office, Karen calmed Edie down by explaining that I had acted out of concern for her. Obviously Karen understood.\u201d<\/p>

Sara looked at her hands, processing these words of self-delusion.<\/p>

\u201cI see your dilemma. Teenagers challenge us constantly. They want independence, and they want someone to lean on. They want to feel competent, and they\u2019re insecure. They haven\u2019t learned yet that maturity makes allowances for both. Parents can find it hard to deal with those contradictions. How nice it would be if our kids were totally obedient until their eighteenth birthday and then, presto! they became totally self-sufficient. But adulthood isn\u2019t spliced onto childhood like two pieces of film; it\u2019s more like twine with a hundred unequal strands, and there\u2019s a long section where strands from both sides are intertwined.\u201d<\/p>

On the coffee table was a notepad, on which she drew pictures to illustrate her point. As she was putting the finishing touches on the twine, Alan said, \u201cAre you saying I was wrong to insist on someone checking that she take her pills?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI appreciate your concern that she not miss a dose. I also suspect she may have felt mistrusted. And since we know how important image was to her, we can understand her reluctance to admit to losing the pills, how threatened she might feel by the thought of justifying your mistrust. So there\u2019s the conflict, medical versus psychological. The trick is to reconcile them. You made a judgment that the medical need was overriding, and no one knowing her history could hold that against you. What would have worked? There\u2019s no magic formula. We need to be sensitive to our children\u2019s feelings, and from knowing them a way often suggests itself. But our best efforts don\u2019t always succeed, so don\u2019t be too hard on yourself.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDo you think the young woman in the dream was Edie?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow does it seem to you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI guess she was accusing me of ruining her life.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIs that the way you<\/em> feel?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat\u2019s what my dream says, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cCould be. But that\u2019s as far as I can go. In my opinion you made justifiable decisions, and you can\u2019t be held accountable for unfortunate results. I think most doctors would agree.\u201d<\/p>

Alan meditated for a few seconds. \u201cBy the way, do you think the judge in that dream was anyone particular? I\u2019m getting the idea that everything has some sort of meaning.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat was it she said?\u201d Sara asked. \u201c\u2018I find you guilty. I know the law.\u2019 Wasn\u2019t that it?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMost judges wouldn\u2019t have to remind a defendant that they know the law.\u201d<\/p>

Alan looked up suddenly. \u201cKaren?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cReminding you that she\u2019s a lawyer might have been a way of identifying herself to you.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd, of course, she was judging me,\u201d Alan said bitterly.<\/p>

\u201cIn your mind,\u201d Sara reminded him.<\/p>

\u201cThe other dreams had nothing to do with courts.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMaybe we can learn something else from them, but I bet the same theme runs through them too. Guilt seems to have gotten a pretty good grip on you.\u201d Alan recounted them.<\/p>

\u201cInteresting,\u201d Sara said. \u201cIn both of them there\u2019s a bus. What do you make of that?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI haven\u2019t the faintest idea.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d bet that the little girl also is Edie.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBut the one about the bike accident was recent, and the girl\u2019s much younger than Edie.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThere\u2019s a reason. The woman who accused you was an adult because she was acting an\u00a0adult role. In the bike dream, the girl was in the role of a child, so she was a child.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBut what do they mean?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThe thing that stands out is the bus. In both dreams the child was prevented from taking it. One could imagine it representing security; things are taken care of, someone else does the driving. As it was, she had to fend for herself, in the first case by walking and in the second case by riding her bike. She met with an accident both times. Can you relate that to anything in\u2014\u201d<\/p>

She never completed the question. \u201cIt\u2019s crystal clear! The bus is the injection, which takes care of things for her. She loses her bus fare\u00ad \u2015 the pills \u2015 and gets hit by the bus.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd the other dream?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat bus was the penicillin she should have got for her strep throat. That would have taken care of it. But she was forced to walk, meaning to fight the infection off by herself.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGo on,\u201d Sara said gently.<\/p>

\u201cThe driver was a woman. She was angry when we didn\u2019t get on. That must have been Karen, upset that I didn\u2019t give Edie penicillin. Then Edie broke one bone after another, and they healed miraculously. That was rheumatic fever, a lot of pain but no damage. But I don\u2019t know about the bird flying out of the cage.\u201d<\/p>

Sara arched her eyebrows and tilted her head, telling him that she expected him to find the answer.<\/p>

\u201cThat cage is her ribs, isn\u2019t it? And her heart flew away. Meaning that her heart, as she knew it, was gone. No, that\u2019s stretching it too far.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNot \u2018as she knew it\u2019; as you<\/em> did,\u201d Sara said. \u201cThat\u2019s not stretching it. And wasn\u2019t the bird named \u2018Cordie,\u2019 or something like that?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes. But how does a little girl come up with stuff like that?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow\u2019s your Latin?\u201d<\/p>

Alan grinned sheepishly. \u201cYou win. It\u2019s Latin for \u2018heart.\u2019 Cor, cordis<\/em>.\u201d Sara beamed.<\/p>

After a while, Alan went on, using the metaphor of the dream. \u201cWhat really hurts is that she could have got the carfare replaced. And she wouldn\u2019t have broken her bones, and Cordie wouldn\u2019t have escaped, . . . I kept her from it \u2015 both times.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019re blaming yourself for Edie\u2019s medical problems.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat,\u201d Alan said softly, \u201cand Karen\u2019s unfulfilled dreams. Not pretty, is it?\u201d<\/p>

Sara, her feet still on the floor, leaned forward again. \u201cI don\u2019t know of anyone in the world who doesn\u2019t have cause to regret some things they\u2019ve done or failed to do. Imperfection is part of us all and we must accept it in ourselves as well as others. Guilt is appropriate for wrongs and hurts committed with the knowledge that they were wrong and hurtful. For the pain caused by our mistakes we can only feel sad, and we can try to help those we\u2019ve hurt inadvertently. When you made medical decisions, you didn\u2019t know Edie would be hurt. Please think about that distinction. Don\u2019t let it slip back into your unconscious mind unresolved.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd Karen? That wasn\u2019t a medical decision.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou had an agreement, didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>

Alan got up, took a deep breath, and stood for a few moments engrossed in thought. \u201cI suppose so. And if I hadn\u2019t pushed her to have the baby then, she should \u2015 if that\u2019s the right word \u2015 have had it six months later.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou need to remember that. In the overall picture those six months mean nothing.\u201d She paused for emphasis. \u201cBefore we wind up, how are things between you and Edie right now?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cPolite but cool, I\u2019d say. After that scene we never talked about it again.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDo you sense hostility \u2015 on your part or hers?\u201d<\/p>

Alan shrugged. \u201cI don\u2019t think I could say that. We just don\u2019t seem to be as close.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThis could have been a real growth experience. Do you check on her taking the pills?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNot directly. I have to see to it that her supply doesn\u2019t run out, so I know indirectly. But no one reminds her to take them, and so far she hasn\u2019t missed a day.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGood,\u201d Sara said, \u201cso you don\u2019t need to do a thing right now. This distance may be nothing more than her determination to take responsibility. She\u2019s growing up.<\/p>

\u201cThere\u2019s something else to keep in mind. Other people don\u2019t always think the same way we do. Take Brenda, for example. I bet she didn\u2019t give you a second thought. It\u2019s that way with children too. What\u2019s trivial for us can be a major issue with them, sometimes growing with time if the difference never gets talked out. And some things that stick in our craws they\u2019ve long forgotten.\u00a0 I\u2019d keep an open mind on how much resentment Edie bears you.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat doesn\u2019t make me any less guilty.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t expect your feeling to be dissipated that easily. But there are two parts to this, her physical health and her relationship with you. One doesn\u2019t have to suffer because of the other. You still have an important place in her life. I don\u2019t want you paralyzed by the past and unable to be a father to her in the future. Actually, I\u2019d like to get to know her. Would you object to my talking with her?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI was hoping we could avoid getting the family involved.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t want to force the issue. But it might help to hear her perspective. Think about it.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow would we arrange it? Would you want me to tell her, or would you call her at home? Karen doesn\u2019t know I\u2019ve been to see you. This isn\u2019t the way I\u2019d want her to find out.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWe could work it through Rick. I could call him. Karen, of course, would have to agree too. You should speak with her directly.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI wonder what her reaction will be,\u201d Alan said, scratching his head.<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019ll find out! In any case, if you don\u2019t tell her, soon you\u2019ll feel guilty about keeping it from her, and guilt isn\u2019t something you need more of right now.\u201d<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

That evening, with Eden safely insulated in her room, Alan said to Karen, \u201cI spoke with Sara Walsh. She\u2019s a psychotherapist. We refer patients to each other.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd who\u2019s the patient? You?\u201d Her expression said she was joking. His answer took her by surprise. \u201cYes. As a matter of fact, it was my second visit.\u201d<\/p>

He stopped, unsure whether he wanted to be asked for more details or to have his privacy respected. He thought about the conflicting needs of teenagers. Like daughter, like father, and that\u2019s the second time I\u2019ve turned a common saying on its head. This time Karen really was taken aback; he was smiling for no reason she could divine.<\/p>

\u201cYou must have had a good time,\u201d she said.<\/p>

\u201cNo, I just had a thought. We talked about the fight in Rick\u2019s office. I think Edie\u2019s still mad at me.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhy not talk with Edie?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSara suggested I don\u2019t, but she said she\u2019d like to get to know Edie. You know, I had to tell her quite a bit about Edie\u2019s history\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd mine?\u201d Karen\u2019s face was expressionless.<\/p>

\u201cJust a bit. She asked about your work, Edie\u2019s childhood, you know, that sort of thing.\u201d Karen said nothing; she seemed to be waiting. Alan, looking at her blank face, had the uncomfortable feeling that she expected him to dig a hole for himself. He found a way out.<\/p>

\u201cHas Edie ever said anything to you about that day?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo.\u201d She turned back to the sink. The conversation appeared to be over, and he felt more uncomfortable than ever. \u201cWould you like to talk with Sara too?\u201d he asked.<\/p>

\u201cWhat\u2019s happened has happened. We must make the best of it.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBut you blame me, don\u2019t you?\u201d he said, his voice rising ever so slightly.<\/p>

At this she swung around. Her eyes were moist. \u201cI just can\u2019t get it out of my head that it didn\u2019t have to happen. And I can\u2019t imagine what good it would do me to talk with this Sara.\u201d<\/p>

She left the kitchen before he had a chance to reply.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Eden was now going for her checkups unaccompanied. At her next visit, she found her father waiting in Rick\u2019s office.<\/p>

\u201cHi!\u201d She wondered if there was a change in her heart or her medication. It was neither. After examining her, Rick asked \u201cWould you have any trouble talking with a psychologist?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhy? What\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t know that there is one. Her name is Sara Walsh. Your dad often refers patients to her and knows her well. He spoke with her about some of the things that have happened.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat kind of things?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019ve been very sick a couple of times, and it\u2019s been stressful for your parents too.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOh, you mean like what happened here last time?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThere\u2019s an example, yes.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t see the point of bringing that up again. I was stupid and Dad got angry. He had a right to. Now it\u2019s over. I take my pills, no fuss, no bother. Why do I need a psychologist?\u201d<\/p>

Oh, the logic of adolescents! It was clear that Eden had no wish or need for a psychological consultation, and nothing short of the truth would persuade her to go. Rick cued Alan.<\/p>

\u201cNo one says you do. I went to see Doctor Walsh because I<\/em> had something on my<\/em> mind, and it involved things that have happened to you. She\u2019d like to hear your side, so to speak.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMy side?\u201d She looked puzzled and annoyed. \u201cWhat is there that we have to take sides on?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt isn\u2019t that easy to explain. Even though you\u2019re the one that\u2019s suffered most from being sick, it\u2019s also hard on the parents seeing their child go through something like that.\u201d<\/p>

Eden\u2019s tone softened a little. \u201cHas Mom also been to see this psychologist?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWell, she\u2019s one of my parents.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHer reaction and mine aren\u2019t necessarily the same,\u201d Alan said. \u201cWe\u2019re two people.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo I\u2019m to help settle the difference? Like seeing who\u2019s right about their reactions?\u201d<\/p>

Rick was enjoying this repartee as a spectator. Alan was not having fun at all. \u201cIf you really want to know, I felt bad about what happened and I wanted to talk with someone outside the family. Now Doctor Walsh wants to know how you feel. Psychologists do that, talk with a person who\u2019s important to their patient. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re a patient.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAre you Doctor Walsh\u2019s patient?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI had a couple of conversations with her. I don\u2019t think that makes me a patient.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you just talk it over with Mom?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSometimes it\u2019s better to go outside the family, to someone who\u2019s uninvolved.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t think you should blame yourself. Everybody gets strep throats, and some get rheumatic fever. I was unlucky, it wasn\u2019t your fault.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s nice of you to say that. But it really would be nice if you were willing to talk with Doctor Walsh. She can help me better if she knows you too.\u201d<\/p>

The appointment was made. Not the least bit self-conscious, Eden chatted with Brenda before being shown into Sara\u2019s office.<\/p>

\u201cThank you so much for coming. I hope my invitation didn\u2019t alarm you. Your dad\u2019s been in a couple of times, and we talked about your history, so I felt like I should get to know you.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAre you going to see my mother too?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMaybe, but right now I just want to speak with you.\u201d With a laugh she added: \u201cWe don\u2019t always observe seniority.\u201d<\/p>

Eden joined her laugh. \u201cYes, Dad told me about seeing you. He says he felt bad after our fight in Doctor Harmon\u2019s office. But I think I was just as much to blame.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou have quite a medical history, don\u2019t you?\u201d Sara asked, noting Eden\u2019s poise and matter-of-fact attitude.<\/p>

\u201cYes, it started with rheumatic fever.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat was quite a few years ago, wasn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI was about to turn thirteen. I\u2019ll be seventeen in August.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDo you remember your illness?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt was frightening. At first that awful pain in my joints. Then the heart failure. They had me hooked up to oxygen for days on end. And the way they all looked at me when they came in, I didn\u2019t know whether I was going to live or die.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt must have been awful. I don\u2019t think anyone can really know what it\u2019s like to be ill without personal experience. Your parents must have been worried to death as well.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m sure they were. Dad especially. And Mom too, although sometimes I thought she looked \u2015 I don\u2019t quite know \u2015 sort of angry. Never said anything angry, though. Maybe I was imagining it.\u201d She shrugged. The momentary lift of Sara\u2019s eyebrows escaped her notice.<\/p>

\u201cDid you ever hear them talk about it between themselves?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNot about the worrying. But there was all the practical stuff, how soon I could go back to physical activity and to school, the Bicillin shots, the follow-up exams.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow about you? Did you talk about it afterwards with either of your parents, like ask them questions about what had happened?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOh yes. Once I felt better, it was sort of fun. Dad showed me pictures of the heart, and where the valves were, and Doctor Harmon explained EKGs to me.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cMy goodness,\u201d Sara laughed, \u201cI bet you know more about the heart than most adults!\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t know that much, but it\u2019s fascinating. I mean, it\u2019s so complicated, and it all starts with one cell. The whole body, not just the heart. It\u2019s amazing that it all works so well most of the time. So many things could go wrong, and mostly they don\u2019t. Josh calls it a work of art, and I agree. Of course, he\u2019s always calling things works of art.\u201d She laughed. Sara recognized in that laugh the nature of the relationship between Eden and Joshua. She already thought Eden one of the healthiest teenagers she had seen in her office.\u00a0 A steady boyfriend fitted the picture.<\/p>

\u201cWho is Josh?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cA friend. I used to go over to their house after school when I was younger, waiting for Mom to pick me up. His sister Debbie and I were classmates till I got sick, but I was out so long I had to repeat the year. We still go skating together, though.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDo you think you might want to study medicine?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019ve thought about it. But my grades haven\u2019t been all that good. Maybe, if I do really well the next two years, I might have a chance at a good college, and then I\u2019ll have to work even harder. But I\u2019m sure Dad\u2019ll help me with things I don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>

Sara took a few moments to consider what she had heard, then changed the subject.<\/p>

\u201cYour dad told me you had another scare, with penicillin allergy.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnaphylaxis, it\u2019s called. I missed penicillin for three weeks, then when I got my shot I had a terrible reaction. This time I was sure I\u2019d die, but Mom got me to the hospital in time and by next day I was out of danger. It had to do with antibodies piling up and no penicillin in my system to remove them, so I had three weeks\u2019 worth of reaction all at once.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019re well educated, Eden, I\u2019ll say. Now how did it happen that after all those years of prophylaxis you missed penicillin for three weeks?\u201d<\/p>

She told the story of the overnight camp and the telephone conversation with her father. \u201cI was pretty pissed off with him for not trusting me, but I kept my mouth shut because I was afraid if I said anything he\u2019d veto the idea altogether. Then, when I lost the pills, I didn\u2019t have the guts to ask for more. If he\u2019d been a little nicer about it in the first place I probably would have asked to get them replaced, but it\u2019s really my fault. I didn\u2019t even try.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cDid you talk about it later?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOh, we had quite a fight in Doctor Harmon\u2019s office. Dad told me I\u2019d brought it on myself. Hearing that really flipped me. I mean even if he was right, I\u2019d just come close to dying, and for him to blame me, that was pretty insensitive.\u201d<\/p>

Sara said nothing but looked expectantly at Eden.<\/p>

\u201cBut I\u2019ve thought about that too. He must\u2019ve been beside himself when that happened to me, and he was probably too angry to think straight. I\u2019ve heard that people sometimes get that way. Mom said it was because he was so worried about me, and I guess she was right.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow about your mom? What was her reaction to your losing the pills?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cShe looked angry when she heard the story, but she didn\u2019t say anything right then. So I don\u2019t know what she was thinking. That was before Dad and I started to fight. When I talked back to Dad, that\u2019s when she told me about him being worried. I don\u2019t know whether she was taking sides or just trying to make peace.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cShe\u2019s a lawyer, isn\u2019t she?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes, but I don\u2019t know that she\u2019s all that happy with her work.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhy do you say that?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t know. Sometimes she complains about the cases she works on, how boring they are, or how frustrating. I don\u2019t understand much about what goes on in her office. To hear her say it, all the good stuff, whatever that is, goes to other lawyers. Then she talks about Bobbie Buehl; she\u2019s a lawyer too, in the same firm. They\u2019re friends but I think Mom\u2019s a bit jealous of Ms. Buehl for getting promoted, getting more interesting work, making more money.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHas this Ms. Buehl been there longer than your mom?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI think Ms. Buehl came while Mom was home taking care of me as a baby. Ms. Buehl doesn\u2019t have any children; she\u2019s divorced.\u201d<\/p>

Sara pursed her lips. She wondered what impact Karen\u2019s disappointment in her work, and its apparent tie to Eden\u2019s infancy, had on the relationship between mother and daughter. She couldn\u2019t derive further insight into that area without probing much deeper than she wished to.<\/p>

Satisfied, however, that Eden and Alan had different views on Alan\u2019s role in Eden\u2019s illnesses, Sara thanked her again for coming and concluded the session.<\/p>

Alone, Sara propped both feet on the back of the sofa, and reviewed the conversation.<\/p>

Two brushes with death. Both parents with problems related directly to her. Result: A normal, balanced, well-adjusted, sensible girl. That\u2019s not what they teach us, is it?<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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Chapter 22 >><\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

PART II Sugar, salt, and pepper welcomed sulfa to that special place on the kitchen table. It would have been hard to eat there day after day without noticing the distinctive brown plastic jar which was now the vehicle of Eden\u2019s preventive care. As for the upheaval that preceded the change, no hint emerged from […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":21,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-261","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/261","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=261"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/261\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":802,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/261\/revisions\/802"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=261"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}