{"id":150,"date":"2016-09-03T13:23:11","date_gmt":"2016-09-03T17:23:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.herbheineman.com\/?page_id=150"},"modified":"2024-07-24T15:07:29","modified_gmt":"2024-07-24T19:07:29","slug":"chapter-7","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/edensgarden\/chapter-7\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 7: Competition"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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PART I: 1970<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\u201cHi! I\u2019m Bobbie Buehl. Roberta Buehl-Denton, to be exact. A pleasure to meet you at last. Congratulations on the baby!\u201d Bobbie pushed back her chair, sprang up, and offered her hand. Fully uncoiled, she was barely five feet tall. Karen noted her curly black hair and gold-rimmed glasses, framing dark eyes whose gaze was both penetrating and friendly. Ignoring the friendly aspect, Karen took an instant dislike to her pint-sized rival. There was no time to lose; seniority was on the line. She had the extra years at F & D; Bobbie had been in practice longer. Matching Bobbie smile for smile, she answered, \u201cNice to have you<\/em> aboard.\u201d<\/p>

The effort was wasted.\u00a0Bobbie did not pick up on the challenge. Delighted to meet this young female star of whom she had heard so much, she invited Karen to lunch.<\/p>

\u201cLet me get back to you,\u201d Karen replied.\u00a0\u201cRight now I feel like a newcomer myself.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cTake your time. No rush. Let me know.\u201d\u00a0Karen felt dismissed.<\/p>

Three weeks later, Bobbie looked into her office. Karen still had not called her.<\/p>

\u201cHi! Don\u2019t forget about that lunch. I eat every day.\u201d\u00a0She waved and walked on.<\/p>

Karen was having no luck at all.\u00a0Either Bobbie didn\u2019t notice she was being strung along or she didn\u2019t mind. Two days later Karen capitulated. \u201cSorry. I\u2019ve been so busy . . .\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI know.\u00a0It takes time to get the daily routine worked out.\u00a0Anyway, you name the day.\u00a0With the hours I\u2019m working, I need long lunch breaks.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cLet\u2019s go tomorrow. Deli Belly. Down Fifteenth Street. They make the best sandwiches.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGreat name. I like the food already.\u201d<\/p>

To Karen\u2019s chagrin, Bobbie graciously accepted the role of guest, even though she had invited Karen.\u00a0She took Karen\u2019s suggestions on the menu, smiled approvingly when Karen was greeted as an old friend, and complimented the food.\u00a0When Karen took out her wallet to pay, Bobbie did not object.\u00a0Instead, they must go again, and next time she would reciprocate. They did go again two weeks later, to a different restaurant, and of course Bobbie paid. \u201cI\u2019m so glad you\u2019re back!\u201d Bobbie said. Karen didn\u2019t know whether she was up against guile or innocence, and Bobbie\u2019s next proposal did nothing to ease her discomfiture.<\/p>

\u201cI hope you won\u2019t think me pushy,\u201d Bobbie said as they walked back, \u201cbut Bruce and I\u2019d like to have you and your husband for dinner. After our last lunch I told him how much I enjoyed your company and I thought we should all get to know each other.\u00a0How about it?\u201d<\/p>

Karen had no choice but to accept. \u201cAlan works long hours, but he can spare an evening for my professional advancement.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNot yours.\u00a0If anyone stands to gain, it\u2019s me.\u00a0But I\u2019d rather think of it as a social thing.\u00a0And bring the baby. Bruce loves kids, and we don\u2019t have any of our own.\u201d<\/p>

Karen laughed; Bobbie\u2019s enthusiasm was starting to get to her.<\/p>

Eden took to Bruce as though she had known him from birth. \u201cSee?\u201d Bruce said, with Eden perched on his shoulders. \u201cWouldn\u2019t this be fun?\u201d Bobbie didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>

\u201cSometime,\u201d Bruce said over dinner, \u201cI\u2019d like to do a piece about doctor-lawyer couples. There must be lots. Comparable intellect and cultural interests, free medical care in return for free tax advice and malpractice defense.\u00a0And when the lawyer is a malpractice specialist . . .\u201d<\/p>

Bruce\u2019s outgoing personality had already won them over, and nobody took offense.<\/p>

\u201cWhat I\u2019m really interested in,\u201d he continued, \u201cis the strains in those marriages.\u00a0Both are such demanding professions.\u201d\u00a0Bobbie\u2019s face was expressionless.<\/p>

\u201cJust look at the positive side.\u00a0Let\u2019s say the demands aren\u2019t burdensome, and both partners enjoy their professional lives to the full.\u00a0And let\u2019s say they\u2019re not overly dependent on each other.\u00a0So there\u2019s no conflict.\u00a0Sounds like a great partnership, right?\u00a0But how much are they invested in each other?\u00a0How about that mystical third person, the \u2018we\u2019 or \u2018us\u2019?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat question doesn\u2019t apply only to doctors and lawyers, you know,\u201d Karen said.<\/p>

\u201cOh, I know. But I have a pair of sitting ducks right here, so why not take a shot?\u201d<\/p>

In the all-around laughter, only Bobbie\u2019s seemed forced. She went into the kitchen.<\/p>

\u201cSo, what determines whether such marriages are happy?\u201d Bruce went on. \u201cSome professional couples handle their separateness very well; others come into conflict over it.\u201d<\/p>

Karen answered. \u201cI\u2019d think the chief determinant in any marriage is whether the partners love each other\u2014enough, that is, to allow for two people not always wanting the same thing.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cTrue\u2014mostly. If one likes movies and one likes stage plays, it\u2019s easy to accommodate. If one is Catholic and the other Protestant, they can respect each other\u2019s beliefs and get along fine. But suppose one wants children and the other doesn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>

The kitchen door was wide open. Obviously Bobbie had heard. As she came back with dessert, eyes turned to her in expectation. But she served in silence. After a while Alan said, \u201cIf they disagree on something that basic, they shouldn\u2019t marry at all.\u201d<\/p>

Bobbie said, \u201cWhat Bruce means is, suppose they agree on kids but one keeps putting them off, waiting for a professional milestone that never seems to come. Isn\u2019t that what you mean, honey?\u201d Her expression belied the term of endearment.<\/p>

Bruce was unruffled. \u201cOf course, you\u2019re right, Alan \u2014 if they can\u2019t agree to begin with. But the situation you describe, Bobbie, also occurs.\u201d He did not look at Bobbie.<\/p>

Alan wondered whose dirty linen was being aired here. What did the Dentons know about the Averys\u2019 history? How close were the two women after such short acquaintance?<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d say,\u201d said Karen, \u201cthat children should be postponed till both parents-to-be are happy with the idea. If either one isn\u2019t ready, the other shouldn\u2019t force the issue. There\u2019s a lot we don\u2019t know when we start out. We don\u2019t appreciate the demands of a successful career till we\u2019ve been at it for a while. Some people have second thoughts about children when they learn that, and those thoughts deserve to be respected. I had second thoughts, but I made my decision and that\u2019s why we have Edie. I wouldn\u2019t hold it against anyone to decide otherwise.\u201d<\/p>

No one offered a rebuttal, and they talked of other things until the Averys left.<\/p>

\u201cDid you have to make it so obvious?\u201d Bobbie asked the moment they were alone.<\/p>

\u201cOh, I\u2019m not sure they caught on,\u201d Bruce said. \u201cYou\u2019re a bit oversensitive. But I suspect they have their own troubles. I mean, there may not be a happy solution. She said she made her decision. Now is she happy with that decision or just determined to live with it?\u201d<\/p>

Bobbie looked at him archly. \u201cYou sound almost as if you understand my position. I wouldn\u2019t have guessed that from the way you talked last time.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI learned something. Funny thing is, it\u2019s not what she said but what I think she meant.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAre you saying the truth was in your mind all along, and it took Karen to bring it out?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou might say that,\u201d Bruce admitted.<\/p>

Meanwhile, on the way home, Alan was asking, \u201cDo you have any regrets about Edie?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI don\u2019t think so. Anyway, we got her. But I do wonder what\u2019s with Bobbie and Bruce. Something whispers in my ear that he wants children and she doesn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSomething screams it in mine.\u201d<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

The dinner broke down the barriers between Karen and Bobbie. Each had discovered the other\u2019s vulnerability. Because it was centered on the same subject, that discovery aroused a reciprocal interest, even empathy. Karen gave up thinking of Bobbie as a competitor. As for Bobbie, she had wanted to be friends from the start, and she was relieved at Karen\u2019s softened attitude. One day Bobbie decided it was safe to share her ambivalent feelings.<\/p>

\u201cThere are times when I envy you. Your life is so much more complete. You have your baby and your career, and you compartmentalize them so there\u2019s no conflict. I couldn\u2019t do it.\u201d<\/p>

Karen had not expected that. \u201cStrange, isn\u2019t it? I look at what you\u2019re doing, and it\u2019s clear that you\u2019re on the way up and I\u2019m marking time.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYou\u2019ve always been one of Frank\u2019s favorites, and I can\u2019t imagine him abandoning you.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s not that. I once accused him of sex bias, the way the criteria for success were loaded against women. I\u2019m sure he wants to be fair, but he feels he has no choice but to link success to productivity. Motherhood gets in the way, but any other obstacle would be the same.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo you really had it out with him?\u201d Bobbie\u2019s eyes gleamed with interest.<\/p>

\u201cWe had a long talk about it early in my pregnancy. He made it out to be my choice. Even claimed that women are advantaged because they have<\/em> a choice while men don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYeah, Frank!\u201d Bobbie whooped loud enough to turn heads. \u201cWhat did you say to that?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHe\u2019s right. Check the medical books. Women have uteri. They can get pregnant. Or stay nonpregnant. And men are forever condemned to nonpregnancy. What could be simpler?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo, suppose you were a senior partner and one of your female associates came to you pregnant and fearing for her career. What would you tell her?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d congratulate her.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd her job?\u201d<\/p>

\u201c\u2018Come back when you\u2019re ready, and continue where you left off.\u2019 \u201d<\/p>

\u201cMeanwhile the men get ahead. Right?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWrong.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWouldn\u2019t it be unfair to them not to, seeing how much more work they do for the firm?\u201d<\/p>

Bobbie put both arms flat on the table and moved her face closer to Karen\u2019s.<\/p>

\u201cI would argue,\u201d she said slowly, \u201cthat someone is doing the work of child bearing and rearing for<\/em> them, so why should they derive added advantage from being spared that task?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow about women who opt not to have children?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThem I\u2019d advance, because they\u2019ve made a sacrifice for their career. The men haven\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>

Karen paused to digest this. Bobbie must have been over that topic before.<\/p>

\u201cYour logic is pretty convincing, but I can\u2019t quite dismiss Frank\u2019s point of view either. Is it possible that both are right, and yet not quite right?\u201d<\/p>

Bobbie poured more coffee from the carafe the waiter had left on the table. \u201cThere is no one absolute right. That\u2019s something you can only have on issues affecting all people the same way, which requires all people to be the same in that respect. Since the two sexes are immutably different, the one absolute right for women isn\u2019t the one absolute right for men. Those rights come in conflict the moment women and men compete in the same arena. So each side makes rules, taking for granted that its version of absolute right ought to apply to the other as well. Once each side is forced to realize that the other has a different version, incompatible with theirs, a struggle follows. Amazingly, even though women make up half the population, except when war gives them a real majority, men still have the dominant position in just about every field of endeavor. I guess they feel entitled, because women have the power in reproduction. Somewhere in history we must have struck a deal with them. Now women are finally starting to claim their due in all these other fields, and guess what! Our absolute right\u2014gender equity in all areas except reproduction, where we insist on absolute control\u2014is incompatible with theirs\u2014dominance in other areas to make up for being all but shut out of reproduction. And the struggle for total victory is on\u2014which neither side will win.<\/p>

\u201cSo what\u2019s next?\u201d she continued, after coming up for air. \u201cWhen the dust settles, both absolutes have been downgraded to relatives, with a result popularly known as compromise.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat form will those relatives take? And the compromise?\u201d<\/p>

Bobbie shrugged. \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhere do we stand now?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThe men still have most of the marbles. An individual woman can accept that, or she can go one on one with her boss. In her spare time, she can join the larger battle.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow about firms consisting of women only?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNot a bad idea. They\u2019d have no shortage of clients. I\u2019d worry about the trial judges, though. Just imagine the anxiety every time a judge\u2014presumably of one sex or the other\u2014presides over a case pitching a \u2018male firm\u2019 against a \u2018female firm.\u2019 \u201d<\/p>

\u201cThey\u2019d really need the wisdom of Solomon, wouldn\u2019t they?\u201d Karen suggested.<\/p>

\u201cNot good enough. Solomon was a man\u2014\u201d<\/p>

\u201c\u2014judging two women!\u201d Karen finished, laughing loud enough to turn heads again.<\/p>

\u201cLet\u2019s get out of here.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat are your plans?\u201d Karen said once they were outside. \u201cYou said you envied me, but I envy you too. I used to be ambitious. I saw myself as a judge, a law professor, a star. Now I can\u2019t seem to see beyond the next step in Edie\u2019s development. Full-time work seems light years away. Sometimes I wish I were in your shoes, with no responsibilities but to myself.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s not that simple,\u201d Bobbie said. \u201cI don\u2019t know what role Alan had in your decision. But let me tell you, I\u2019m not allowed to forget that I have responsibilities to my husband. You heard us when you were over for dinner. My lack of enthusiasm for children is casting a cloud on my marriage that gets darker by the month. I don\u2019t know how it\u2019ll turn out.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWere you referring to yourselves when you talked about milestones that never came?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes. Maybe you noticed that Bruce\u2019s acknowledgment was a little impersonal. We made up later, and you\u2019ll be pleased to know that you helped us.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHow so? By saying that a change of mind should be respected? To most people that would sound like taking sides.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t that. I don\u2019t go in for reading other people\u2019s minds, but Bruce isn\u2019t shy in that respect. He wondered if you were happy with your decision. He was close, wasn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d better be careful what I say when he\u2019s listening. But how did that help you?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cHe was putting himself in the woman\u2019s shoes. And I called him on it. He was gracious enough to admit he\u2019d learned something from that conversation.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSo he\u2019s content now with not having children?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat optimistic I\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOf course, you\u2019re only talking about postponing.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYeah, but he\u2019s afraid it might be forever.\u201d<\/p>

She looked defiantly at Karen, as if to say that forever was exactly what she had in mind.<\/p>

Karen caught her breath. \u201cWow. That would be trouble, wouldn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cYes, indeed. But at least, if we get entrenched in opposite positions, he\u2019ll be talking irreconcilable differences instead of selfishness. Sort of takes the edge off.\u201d<\/p>

\u201c\u2018Irreconcilable\u2019 sounds so ominous.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd ominous it would be. Right now he\u2019s being patient, but something\u2019s going to give sooner or later. And it\u2019ll come in the form of an ultimatum. I don\u2019t see jeopardizing my career at this stage. I do respect other points of view, and I\u2019m not the least bit critical of you. Like I said, sometimes I envy you, but it still isn\u2019t for me. So wish me luck.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI do. I made my decision and I\u2019m still ambivalent. You\u2019ll make yours, maybe the very opposite, and for that you may have to pay a steep price.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnd there really isn\u2019t any \u2018right\u2019 decision, is there?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cEven for two women in the same situation,\u201d Karen added.<\/p>

They walked in silence until they reached the office. \u201cLet\u2019s talk again,\u201d they agreed.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Bobbie reached her bittersweet milestone five years after joining F & D. She knew that Karen had been denied the \u201cwoman\u2019s spot\u201d at the top of the letterhead because of Eden, and she made no attempt to hide her feelings about corporate sexism. Nonetheless, she accepted Frank\u2019s offer of a partnership. That was the sweet part; the bitter was waiting at home. The moment he heard the news, Bruce literally swept her off her feet. Now at last he was entitled to cash in on his patience. That was when his world fell apart. For Bobbie, like Karen, had decided along the way that she was not prepared to combine motherhood with a top-flight career. Bobbie made the opposite choice, and her marriage came to an end.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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<< Chapter 6<\/a><\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Chapter 8 >><\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

PART I: 1970 \u201cHi! I\u2019m Bobbie Buehl. Roberta Buehl-Denton, to be exact. A pleasure to meet you at last. Congratulations on the baby!\u201d Bobbie pushed back her chair, sprang up, and offered her hand. Fully uncoiled, she was barely five feet tall. Karen noted her curly black hair and gold-rimmed glasses, framing dark eyes whose […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":21,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-150","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/150","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=150"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/150\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":726,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/150\/revisions\/726"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}