{"id":127,"date":"2016-09-02T21:52:56","date_gmt":"2016-09-03T01:52:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.herbheineman.com\/?page_id=127"},"modified":"2024-07-24T14:47:17","modified_gmt":"2024-07-24T18:47:17","slug":"chapter-5","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/edensgarden\/chapter-5\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 5: Ambivalence"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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PART I: 1970<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Alan tried to keep his promise to share in Eden\u2019s parenting, but lack of time was a never-ending problem. His residency required him to sleep at the hospital every fourth night and weekend. In the practice partnership he entered that July, he had only one other physician to share calls with. Gordon Keller made concessions to the needs of the new father, but in the long run Alan was expected to do his share. Soon his every week consisted of five long days and half of Saturday. On top of that, hospital rounds and emergency call every other Sunday. Time for medical literature had to be found elsewhere. In the competition between fatigue and family, his bodily needs prevailed most of the time.<\/p>

Thus responsibility for the child fell more and more to Karen. At first she did not resent that. After all, in the first years of a child\u2019s life the mother was the more important parent, and for a girl she always would be. So said her mother and other women she knew, at least the older ones. Besides, Alan would become more available as he settled into his practice. Gordon would recruit a third partner, who would then be Alan\u2019s junior. By the time Eden was ready to learn about boys and girls, Alan would be there to help take the mystery out of that discovery.<\/p>

With the help of such rationalizations she faced the uncertainty of when she would return to law practice. How her mindset had changed since she became pregnant! First she let herself be talked out of an abortion; then she settled for Frank\u2019s promise; now she was a full-time mother with no clear plan for the work she craved. It was time for a talk with Alan.<\/p>

She chose a weekend in which he did not have Sunday call. It was a mild January day and as they sat down to breakfast the sun was shining out of a cloudless sky into their kitchen window. \u201cLet\u2019s walk in the park,\u201d she began in a cheerful tone. \u201cIt looks like a great day.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cGood idea,\u201d he replied. \u201cEdie\u2019ll love it. Make sure you bundle her up well.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cOf course.\u201d She would have liked to tell her Sunday husband that taking care of Eden seven days a week qualified her for choosing proper dress, but there was no need for words. His hand stopped for a moment in midair as he picked up his cap. He took a deep breath.<\/p>

They walked briskly and without conversation until they reached the park. As they descended the steep hill to the creek, Karen was mentally rehearsing her opening statement.<\/p>

\u201cYou seem preoccupied,\u201d Alan said.<\/p>

\u201cThere\u2019s something I want to talk about.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI bet I know what,\u201d he answered. \u201cGoing back to work. Am I in the right ballpark?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAm I that obvious?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNot at all. As a matter of fact, you\u2019ve been awfully good about not saying anything all this time. You must have missed the office. I should have asked you before now.\u201d<\/p>

She put her arm through his. \u201cYes.\u201d He wondered: Meaning Yes, she had missed the office? Or Yes, he should have asked? But she was continuing. \u201cEdie\u2019s a year old. She\u2019s practically ready to walk. I think that\u2019s as good a milestone as any.\u201d<\/p>

He nodded vigorously. \u201cIt\u2019ll be good for both of you. Get her started socializing. She\u2019s a happy child, she\u2019ll adjust. You should pay some attention to yourself too.\u201d<\/p>

Karen felt patronized but also relieved that he had not resisted. On further reflection, she was touched by his self-reproach for not asking. Perhaps she had been unkind in her thoughts.<\/p>

\u201cJanine started taking Jeffy to daycare when he was six months old. The woman has two kids of her own and takes in four or five more. Janine thinks she\u2019s very competent.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cThat\u2019s a good recommendation.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAnyway,\u201d Karen went on, \u201cI thought I\u2019d go in to see Frank. If he\u2019s good to his word, maybe in a month or so I can start part time. Who knows? Things could work out after all.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cSounds great.\u201d<\/p>

He said it without hesitation. Yet, unexpectedly, he felt as if he didn\u2019t quite mean it. Why not? Surely he believed his own logic! Didn\u2019t he share the wisdom that people are happiest when they balance their obligations and their needs? That self-sacrifice has its limits? Of course. <\/em>Wasn\u2019t Karen\u2019s contentment paramount? Most certainly<\/em>. Even if it meant being away from home, growing in her profession, earning her colleagues\u2019 respect? Absolutely<\/em>. She might even become a partner, go on to teach law, be appointed a judge. Her achievements could not help but enhance Alan\u2019s status, as her husband. Wonderful!<\/em><\/p>

And he? No one expected him to be a househusband just because his wife was not a housewife. He had a career of his own. He enjoyed his work, unglamorous as it was, putting patient care ahead of research, human contact ahead of fame. Didn\u2019t he?<\/em> He was a competent and respected doctor. Wasn\u2019t he?<\/em> And he could become prominent, even a leader, in the local medical community. Couldn\u2019t he?<\/em> And his income, already enough to make hers superfluous, would get larger still. Two high-powered professionals together, it was quite exciting! He was glad he had encouraged Karen, and he banished his anxiety. Tried to, anyway.<\/p>

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>

Two weeks later Eden took her first steps. Janine read Karen\u2019s mind immediately.<\/p>

\u201cWonderful! Congratulations! So, when\u2019re you coming back?\u201d<\/p>

Karen laughed and said she\u2019d think about it. No sooner was she off the phone than she called Frank\u2019s office direct. The appointment was made for the next day.<\/p>

The passage in Eden\u2019s life had its effect on Alan too. Once more fired up with paternal pride, he forgot the uneasy thoughts that had followed his recent conversation with Karen. Next day he breezed into the reception area of Keller and Avery and announced the good news.<\/p>

\u201cWe\u2019re all bipeds now. Can you believe it? Edie\u2019s getting more human all the time.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWell, her mother\u2019s human, so she had a fifty-fifty chance,\u201d Gordon quipped.<\/p>

\u201cHer mother\u2019s more excited than the heroine of the tale. She\u2019s been waiting for this.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019d think she\u2019d be worried about all the extra trouble a toddler can get into.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cAh, but there\u2019s a special significance. She\u2019d put off working till Edie walked. Now the ban is lifted, and so are her spirits. At this very moment she may be meeting with her boss.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWill she get her job back?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cFrank promised. It\u2019ll only be part time, and she still has to arrange for daycare. But I\u2019m glad for her. It\u2019s not easy being isolated from your colleagues and your work all that time.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIt\u2019s hard being a professional and a mother,\u201d Gordon said. \u201cYou always feel you\u2019re shortchanging one role or the other. And you\u2019re probably shortchanging both.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cIsn\u2019t that true for fathers too? I haven\u2019t exactly pulled my weight here, and you\u2019ve made all kinds of concessions. The irony is that all year, while you\u2019ve been filling in for me here, Karen\u2019s filled in for me at home. So, yes, I\u2019ve shortchanged both.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cBeing a physician makes being a parent even harder,\u201d Gordon replied gently. \u201cFor that matter, being a physician and anything else is hard. But this is the choice we\u2019ve made. I never felt that I was an adequate parent either. Maybe I\u2019ll pay dearly for that one day. At least, a partnership gives us some time off. Imagine being in solo practice, where your workweek is a hundred sixty-eight hours. But when your patient calls to say he can\u2019t breathe, just as you\u2019re reading your daughter a story, you know where you\u2019re needed more, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>

Gilda, the receptionist, stuck her head inside the door.<\/p>

\u201cParty\u2019s over, gents,\u201d she announced in a non-negotiable tone. \u201cEither get out there and take care of your patients or invite them in. There are six waiting and more on the way.\u201d<\/p>

Alan found Gilda\u2019s brand of informality hard to take. Even harder was her habit of using the same tone in the patients\u2019 presence. Gordon was totally unperturbed. Thirty years of faithful service, combined with a concern for his patients that they quickly sensed, had earned her the right to run the office her way. So while Alan gritted his teeth, Gordon smiled and started for the door. Alan would have to get used to Gilda, not the other way round.<\/p>

\u201cOh, one thing,\u201d Gordon stopped and turned back to Alan. \u201cIt occurs to me, . . . \u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cNever mind. Let\u2019s go to work. Patients are waiting.\u201d<\/p>

Gordon went out. As Alan reached for his white coat, Gilda stepped up behind him.<\/p>

\u201cCongratulations,\u201d she said, a faint smile on her face. Alan could not hide his surprise but he accepted her good wishes with grace. \u201cWhat he was going to say,\u201d she went on, \u201cwas that he needs you around here and hopes you won\u2019t have to take too much time off now.\u201d<\/p>

\u201cWhy in God\u2019s name doesn\u2019t he say so?\u201d<\/p>

\u201cToo nice. You know how he is. You heard him.\u201d<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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<< Chapter 4<\/a><\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Chapter 6 >><\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

PART I: 1970 Alan tried to keep his promise to share in Eden\u2019s parenting, but lack of time was a never-ending problem. His residency required him to sleep at the hospital every fourth night and weekend. In the practice partnership he entered that July, he had only one other physician to share calls with. Gordon […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":21,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-127","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/127","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=127"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/127\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":699,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/127\/revisions\/699"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/herbheineman.com\/Eden\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=127"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}